4/10/2010

The New Adventures of Old Dale





Recently at the airport, I fell under scrutiny like never before. I'm generally a polite fellow, asking how the customs officer is and then waiting to answer the few questions they may or may not muster. This process is typically pain free and lasts a minute or less.


This time, a rather heavy lidded lummox had other plans for me. He took my passport, asked where I was going and began staring intently at my photo and then back at me. He did this several times. I felt perhaps he needed my assistance. "That photo's nearly 5 years old, I have a different haircut now" I offered with a wan smile. This had no impact.

I began to shift in place hoping I wasn't about to learn the answers to the very intimate questions on the glove test. Another minute or two went by and the officer pulled out a magnifying glass complete with a light and went back to examining my photo.


"Everything matches except in one place" he said. "There's a blemish on the left side of your lip in the photo that's not on your face. Have you had some sort of surgery?" "No" I answered. "Any kind of dermatological work done?" "No" "Well, look, here's the blemish". "Um, I don't see a blemish".


He took out a pair of glasses and went back to my photo. He then called a colleague over to discuss my face. Thankfully, the other officer was more intrigued by the magnifying glass than anything else. "That standard issue?" "Yes it is! You just have to ask for it, I need it because I'm blind as a bat!" "I'm gonna get me one then!". While they continued to marvel, my passport got stamped and I was waved on my way. The whole thing set me back about 8 minutes which isn't long in the grand scheme but far too long when a blind guy is trying to examine your face.
This brings me to another bit of horror. My passport is ready to be renewed. For the last 10 years, I've been the far too proud owner of two of the finest passport photos ever taken. Don't believe me? Hearken back for a look. The genius photographer made me look far better than I ever have in person. The problem? He's gone from his former location with no forwarding address and no listing for him in print or the real world of the internet!

I fear it shall come to pass that I will join the ranks of those with less than satisfactory passport photos. My Sarkis, my Sarkis, why have you abandoned me?

I will offer a reward should anyone locate him. The reward may or may not involve bad photocopies of good photographs.

.


17 comments:

SkylersDad said...

Coming from the very small town that I was raised in, I remember my mom getting to keep an unusually good drivers license photo for about 30 years. All because she knew the lady who did that job.

She was stopped down in Denver once and got into trouble from the Colorado State Patrol for an obvious bad photo.

Cormac Brown said...

Hey, welcome to my world! When security guards follow you from the moment you walk into the store, until you pull out of the parking lot, then you will have the full Cormac experience.

Oh, and welcome back.

BeckEye said...

And just like that, Heavy Lidded Lummox goes on my list of potential band names.

Chancelucky said...

Maybe they were just attracted to either you or your photo.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Simply snip one of the old photos out of the expired passport and glue it into the new one! Presto chango, and you are a handsome devil once again.

Anonymous said...

My passport photos have never been TOO bad. Livable with at least. My driver's license photo however...it's probably illegal in several countries it's so terrifying. Like someone Photoshopped me out and replaced me with a beaming, cross eyed Moon. I always dread getting pulled over because then someone'd have to look at that photo. Holy shit. Even my most sweet, diplomatic friend who'd never say anything less than positive, when showed the picture, let out a small gasp and said "Well...it's certainly not your best, no."

That's like Jesus himself saying the "f" word!

Thankfully she followed that with "it doesn't look even remotely LIKE you!"

I hope I don't get your customs guy ever...

Dread Pirate Jessica said...

461 Parliament Street, Sooters, best passport photograph of my life to date in 2007. Coincidentally next to my old apartment. Cabbagetown, you have left a hole in my heart. Or maybe that was just all the drugs.

Dale said...

Your mom was connected Skyler's Dad? Excellent!

They're following you because they know what a great writer you are Cormac.

Please give my prize to charity Beckeye, or to a heavy lidded lummox who needs it.

It couldn't have been me, I'm old and creepy now Chancelucky, definitely the photo!

Barbara! Just who is it that says I'm no longer a handsome devil? Oh, I do...see comment above.

Jesus only uses his potty mouth for special occasions Vegetable Assassin! I think you should use your avatar photo, bottle and all!

Mistress to the rescue! I think I may have to try and score there. For the photo too!

Anonymous, I couldn't have said it better myself!

X. Dell said...

Well, it's nice to know that customs hires the handicapped. I looked it up. This guy was formerly an American League umpire.

A said...

Well, it's not TOO bad, come on, the photo you show in this article actually does look a little like you.

Dale said...

I believe before being an umpire X. Dell, he was a character in Bugs Bunny who said "I will hug him and kiss him and call him George", only not as cute.

The bolts on my neck aren't quite as prominent as in the photo A.

dguzman said...

Just like in the Addams Family, when Gomez' lurking in the shadows photo couldn't be duplicated because the photographer had moved.

Anonymous said...

外遇---偷來的時間、偷來的伴侶、偷來的愛情
或許新鮮刺激,或許瘋狂美好,但這一切,終究是偷來的…
外遇傷害了一個幸福的家庭
或許你會說:問題其實早已存在,外遇並不是傷害的唯一因素
但是內心深處其實你知道,這只是外遇的藉口!
建築在傷害別人之下所得到的愛情,終究難以幸福…

Anonymous said...

知道他有了外遇
面對他的低聲下氣妳冷嘲熱諷、無理取鬧
妳瘋狂似的大吵大鬧
甚至到他的公司去亂、向他的親友抱怨、向鄰居們哭訴…
妳把他的外遇鬧的人盡皆知
最後,妳把他的愧疚消耗殆盡…
最後,妳把他想要回頭的念頭打消…
最後,妳自己把他推向外遇的第三者身邊…

Anonymous said...

男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚
外遇情人面前,他可以享受著年輕戀愛般的美好
在回歸家庭時刻,他可以享受著老婆對他無微不至的照顧
在同事朋友面前,他可以享受著眾人對他的忌妒與羨慕
男人有了外遇,但是他不想離婚,他只想自私的擁有一切

Anonymous said...

你想要離婚,卻不顧多年夫妻的情份。
我知道,是因為你有了外遇。
你寧願把錢滿足她所有慾望,卻不願意多給贍養費!
難道真的要抓姦你才會付出你所應該付出的?
其實我真的不願意去抓姦的,我不願意看到她占據屬於我的位置,
然而如果不抓姦,我就無法拿到我應得的權益!
或許是想要報復吧,或許真的心灰了,
或許我想要看看被抓姦的你們驚慌失措的面孔,
我鼓起了勇氣,打了徵信社的電話:我要抓姦

Anonymous said...

結婚率愈來愈低,離婚的比率卻愈來愈高!
昔日的七年之癢,現在已經縮短至兩三年!
離婚變成極可能的選項,您該怎樣維護自身權益?
想要離婚,夫妻財產怎麼分配?
想要離婚,我可以拿到贍養費嗎?
想要離婚,子女監護權會屬於誰?
這些問題您夠清楚嗎?
離婚往往是撕破臉的局面,不要奢望對方還會為您設想!
讓專家幫您解決問題,幫助您拿到屬於的一切、漂亮離婚