3/11/2008

Use It Or Lose It - Vol 1 & 2

Volume 1

It amuses me that people find the phrase 'to make a long story short' such a time waster that they go with the more economy minded 'long story short' instead.

Volume 2

My mother recently called my sister to say:

I was driving down a narrow street and cars were parked on both sides. The next thing I knew, my side view mirror was gone! And do you know how much it cost to replace? It was two hundred and some dollars! Can you imagine?!

She made no other mention of the hit and run parked car violation.

43 comments:

Suze said...

If you don't talk about something - that means it didn't happen. Are you new Dale?

FranIAm said...

And- your point is???

jewgirl said...

you are dry as a bone, dalieish.

I totally agree with you re: the economy sized "long story short".

Your mother is hysterical.

Mob said...

Perhaps the mirror simply disappeared, and the comment about the cars on either side of the street was just to help set the scene of where the car was just shortly before it happened.

Don't be such a pessimist.

The Freelance Guru said...

Is the mirror the artist formarly known as houdini?

katrocket said...

Your mama is a Menace II Society.

Falwless said...

Tu madre es fugitiva negligente.

BeckEye said...

Maybe someone was sitting in one of those parked cars with a bat and waited for your mom to drive by and then whacked off her side mirror! What about that, huh? You're always ready to expect the worst!

And why do people wait to say "long story short" after they've already wasted way too much of my time with a story I never wanted to hear in the first place?

Chris said...

Like Beckeye said, the only time the phrase "long story short" comes up is AFTER the long story has already been told...

Reese said...

I busted a gut at work reading this, Daley.

I mean: bust gut ha ha

John Mutford said...

Why not introduce new text msg speech "LSS" for "long story short". That'd be even more economical.

Beth said...

Long story shorters still tend to tell 'em long.

Leonesse said...

My father has never met a story he couldn't lengthen.

SkylersDad said...

I just grunt and fart, it shortens up a lot of long conversations.

X. Dell said...

There's also the even more economical "Anyway."

Old Lady said...

That's not REALLY an accident. Think about it. It's like dropping a cup on the floor, OOOps!!!

Winter said...

Hahaha.

Pezda's Ghost said...

Maybe she neglected the accident part because she didn't want you to know that it was a one way street, and she had to swerve to avoid an oncoming delivery truck, smashing through a plate glass window into a contemporary furniture boutique, out the other side through the accumulated barrels of MSG behind the Chinese take-out, which caused the surviving shift workers to hop on their motorcycles and chase her high-speed like through the city, where one of them managed a swipe at her with a cleaver, neatly severing the side mirror, and she finally lost the enraged bikers by hurtling through a railroad intersection a moment before the 5:40 train to Brampton thundered past. Maybe she didn't tell you this because she knows how you feel about long stories.

Writeprocrastinator said...

I plead guilty of the first saying in the first degree, your honor.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Better a mirror than a door or a person, right?

Distributorcap said...

short story long --- did your mother knock off the mirrors?

sid said...

Ha ha ha. And I thought I was a bad driver. Oh wait I did nearly reverse into a tree. But I tell you the tree snuck up behind me.

Holly said...

I came home one day to find my father staring at the passenger side of his car. I asked what was wrong, and he said, "At some point, I must have knocked the sideview mirror off my Lincoln. I just wonder when I did it."

So at least your mother noticed her little mishap while she was still in her car. With my dad, the thing could have been gone for days before he noticed.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

LSS, guilty as charged...

Grant Miller said...

Those sideview mirrors are pointless anyway.

Evil Genius said...

This post actually put ideas into my head making me commit a "Volume 1." I am charging you with accessory to LSS.

Gifted Typist said...

You mother clearly never lived in the UK where that is commonplace

Barbara Bruederlin said...

She birthed you! You owe her at least a mirror or two.

Dr.evil said...

Congrats Dale. When I become dictator you will get a government job.

Are the two hundred dollars in American or Canadian money?

Chancelucky said...

Was your mother driving to another Chinese restaurant so she could set it on fire? Perhaps the management there was just doing its best to keep the same thing from happening again. Anyway, she has the seventy five dollar discount from the last time to pay for another mirror.

VE said...

As they might say in the Matrix. Try not to imagine the lost mirror but instead, try to imagine the wreckage on all the parked cars leading up to that point.

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Jewgirl said...

point blank, potd, when are you posting something new?!

Jewgirl said...

I know you have a life and I respect that as long as it circles around my need... for you and your rapier wit.

pistols at dawn said...

Your mom, long story short, is a total menace II society. I eagerly await her next rap album.

pistols at dawn said...

Wow. I can't believe Kat and I both made the same incredibly-topical-15-years-ago movie reference. Hopefully, she'll never see this and realize I'm too lazy to scroll down before making comments that unintentionally rip her off.

jin said...

lmao at your mom!!!
Uh... in a good way.
(If that's possible. ;-)

My mom used to set beer & whiskey bottles on top of the car whilst unlocking the car door at the liquor store. Time and time again she'd drive away, get home & wonder where the hell her booze was.

Bluez said...

38th comment. Time to post for cripes sake or I'll have to make a short story long and drive to Toronto and sideswipe your vehicle, take the mirror and post it!

Dale said...

I'm new but I don't have that new blogger smell anymore Suze.

My point is dull FranIam, like an overused pencil.

My mother is Edith Bunker Jewgirl.

Yes, you could be absolutely right Mob, only, you're not.

A lot of things have tried to escape from my Mom Freelance Guru but never a mirror before.

Yes Katrocket but she's cranky, not crunky.

She is indeed Falwless and she'd best stay on the run.

It was probably my Dad now that I think of it Beckeye, she's been criticizing his driving for years. You're absolutely right about the use of Long Story Short.

She's smart and tells stories of just the right length Chris.

Thanks for correcting that lengthy comment Reese, you were wearing me out.

All credit goes to you John Mutford for bringing it up.

And they never seem to have much of a point Beth, it's troubling.

Sounds like your Dad, like most of us, could use an editor Leonesse.

Grunting and farting is underestimated in these strange times Skyler's Dad, I applaud you boldly going just like that.

The one that gets me too X. Dell is 'so anyways...' Ugh.

It's only an accident if a tree in the forest heard the noise Old Lady.

Well said as always Winter.

Jackie Chan is going to play her in the film version of your comment Pezda's Ghost which just got snapped up (and off, like the mirror). Hilarious.

Your penance is to continue reading my blog even when I'm busy not writing it WP. I'm thankful there's been no loss of life at this point.

She did indeed Distributor Cap but it wasn't her fault, there were cars parked on the street.

If it was one of those damned Ent trees Sid, they're always on the move and I believe you.

Sounds like they'd make a great buddy road picture together Holly. Should we introduce them?

Don't do it anymore Patrick, there is help!

All mirrors are Grant especially when they never answer the questions I ask.

Guilty as charged Evil Genius.

I can't imagine disliking anyone in the UK enough to send her there Gifted Typist.

I'll kick in Barbara. I'm not saying what I'll kick in, just that I will. Or might. And it might not be cash.

Right now I'd prefer Canadian money Evil Dictator. You've got my vote.

She may well have been on her way to the site of another discount Chancelucky, she's crafty.

I'm sure there are some lovely 'racing stripes' on a few cars that didn't have them before she drove by VE.

Multifoncional! How did you slip by?

I'm very busy not writing Jewgirl! I will try and rapier you soon.

She'd be proud to know she bested you I'm sure Pistols at Dawn but I won't say a word. To Kat or my mom.

I didn't know your Mom ran Boozy the Clown Car Tours Jin, what a lovely image!

Come and get me Bluez!

Writeprocrastinator said...

"Your penance is to continue reading my blog even when I'm busy not writing it WP."

Noooooooooooooo!
; )

Dale said...

Do it, read it again WP. And again.

Coaster Punchman said...

Give her a break - she just left out the "yadda yadda yadda..." before reporting that her mirror was missing. Perfectly understandable.

Dale said...

Do you know how long it would take to explain yada yada yada to my mother CP? She'd never get it. I always buy her birthday cards with jokes she'll also never gets.