7/28/2008

You Fill Up My Senses

Neighbour 'lady' Honeypot continues to delight, this time by trading in her inflatable pool for an 18 foot above ground model, part of her evolving ode to good livin'. It's positioned safely away from her fire pit in the back corner and therefore quite near the fence that keeps me from wandering over and declaring my love.

Each time she harrumphs her way up the pool ladder to negotiate a comfortable spot on the filthy floating air mattress, it's a triumph. If you can get in to a pool while balancing a drink and a smoke, all that weight and barking orders at your sons the whole time, there are no two ways about it, you're at least a triple threat.

Occasionally, the air mattress is given a rest and two inflatable chairs are pressed into service. The chairs are fairly small of seat unlike most of the denizens of Glitter Gulch and so on several occasions, Honeypot and pals have ended up in the water with a great squeal and a splash.

I now take comfort in the knowledge that should I suddenly become blind (spontaneously or voluntarily), the beautiful flowers on my side of the fence will continue to flourish, well watered by the wicked wake created several times daily.

35 comments:

Johnny Yen said...

We were fortunate that our trashy next door neighbors sold a couple of years ago so that someone could build an unsellable $1.6 Million "teardown." Their annoying possession wasn't an above-ground pool, but a cottonwood tree that would cover the neighborhood every spring. Their neighbor on the other side actually paid to have the tree removed before they sold. We don't miss the tree, nor their thieving gang member son.

And they weren't nearly as entertaining as Honeypot.

Falwless said...

There's a joke about Honeypot's money shot in here somewhere, but hell if I can craft it to save my damn life.

Katie Schwartz said...

I'm so happy to see your sardonic sense of humor is thriving as always. Honeypot reminds me of that slutty sitcom sidekick with loose lips (both sets), and a campy high hair don't.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight?!?!

Les Becker said...

LOL! I'm going to have to do a search on your blog for more "Honeypot" stories. She's priceless!

Thanks for the laugh, Dale.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Hey, if Honeypot can balance a smoke and a drink while climbing onto a floating inflated mattress, she is worth befriending. I'm just saying.

Dale said...

But did you have to send them to my neighbourhood Johnny? Next time, I'll take the cottonwood tree. One of Honeypot's sons looks a little convict-y.

If you hold the glue gun in one hand while typing Falwless, you'll be much craftier.

It'll come to me in a dream probably who you're talking about Katie but at the moment, there isn't enough coffee in me to properly tackle the problem.

Click on her name for more antics Les, there are a few gems hiding on the blog.

It's a sight that some might charge admission for Barbara but I feel like I keep paying and paying and paying.

Bluez said...

hahaha you just know she's peed in that pool...hilarious

Some Guy said...

Let me guess. Her swimwear is either leopard-print or day-glo. Or maybe a spectacular combination of the two.

Cormac Brown said...

"If you can get in to a pool while balancing a drink and a smoke"

If only the cigartte would connect with the drink? Or with the air mattress? Or some fantastic combination of the three? Well, you've got yourself your very own Warner Brothers cartoon, my friend.

Flannery Alden said...

As always, I love the Honeypot report. However, Dale, I now have my least favorite John Denver song stuck in my head. Thanks for that. I guess it's better than Fergie's "Big Girls Don't Cry" that was previously swirling around, uninvited.

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

"well watered by the wicked wake"

Beautiful prose, my friend.

The Freelance Guru said...

Hey cool! You have the perfect place to throw your trash...

Chancelucky said...

I'm starting to wonder if honeypot has a blog of her own in which she writes about her voyeuristic neighbor. If she doesn't, perhaps we should start one for her.

Dale said...

I'm sure water and urine aren't the only fluids in there Bluez.

She's done the leopard print in the past but she was practically demure in a black one piece this time Chris. Unfortunately, black loses its slimming effect at her size.

If there was a soundtrack other than her blaring Top 40 radio Cormac, I might actually enjoy watching.

Anything that banishes Fergie can't be all bad Flannery. I'll try and be more sensitive next time, for you.

Thanks Patrick, all that 'w' alliteration makes me think of Sesame Street - Wicked Wanda washed her wig on Wednesdays.

The white trash is taken care of F. Guru so I'll just throw the rest over and be done with it! Good idea.

I hope she does and we find it Chancelucky. I'd be thrilled and horrified all at once.

the princess said...

hahaha! honeypot sounds like a little party animal. so glad to have you back so I can read about it all.

VE said...

But your blog thanks you for the neighbors and their endless material...

Gifted Typist said...

Visual image of "inflatable chairs pressed into service" says more than the individual words.

X. Dell said...

Between Honeypot and the KBL, you've got a wealth of material.

I'm kinda wondering if you'd be happier if they somehow magically switch positions--say, Honeypot owned the bagel stand, and KBL lived next door to you.

Then again, we wouldn't be happier. After all, we get a kick out of how they torture you on a daily basis.

I'm also wondering if the whales might find your comparison of them to Honeypot defamatory.

Chris said...

My neighbors, the ones just over the rickety fence, bought a big blue above-ground pool this spring. With great care they shoveled pit bull poo to the side of the yard and set the pool up. They're almost always bobbing around in there...

By the end of the first week of pooldom, the neighbors across the street, who are best friends with the first neighbors, had stopped gawking and drooling and went out to buy their own big blue above-ground pool, which they carefully placed on the side of their house, right across from the other pool...

They sit in their pool on their side of the street, while the others sit in THEIR pool on THEIR side of the street, hollerin' back and forth. "How's the water over there?"

"What?"

"How's the water?"

"Wet. How's your water?"

"Nice."

"What? You got lice?"

"Put your damned hearing aid in!"

"I don't know where your dog is."

"What?"

I don't think it's occurred to either faction that they could communicate a lot easier, AND save money, by simply sharing one pool...

Doc said...

Just wondering Dale, did your mother piss of a vindictive Gypsy woman before you were born? Maybe your dad jilted a fortune teller or something. Somewhere along the line you got hexed with the innate ability to attract freaks.

Fortunately, you have learned to cope with your affliction that provides a lot of laughs for all of blogdom. Bless your heart.

Doc

genn6 said...

Wow...is Honeypot an American?

LOL, Chancelucky, I agree!

Dale said...

She and her family are an interesting group Princess.

Clothes manufacturers thank her too for the endless material required to clothe that clan VE.

I wonder if she's more than the sum of her parts too Gifted Typist?

It's a question X. Dell whether the whales know more tricks than Honeypot does. If HBL and HP traded places, things would possibly just be more torturous and entertaining.

Oh Chris, now I feel compelled to move to your neighborhood for the blogging opportunities alone. Your comment was hysterical and vivid!

The freak magnet has been on my forehead for many years Doc, the first freaks being my parents. I swear I was switched into the wrong family at birth. There's an April Wine song called 'Sign of the Gypsy Queen' I thought of the other day. And, I'll have to mention sometime about my mother's experiences with a fortune teller (if I already haven't).

Real trash knows no borders Genn. I've been laughing about Chancelucky's comment too but mostly because there's little chance Honeypot knows how to write.

Bubs said...

"If you can get in to a pool while balancing a drink and a smoke..."

Is there any other way to get into an above-ground pool? Except maybe, while eating a piece of fried chicken?

Welcome back from vacation Dale! May we look forward to hearing some of Honeypot's adventures rendered in audio any time soon?

Grant Miller said...

Could you please film and post this? It sounds like something I'd totally get into.

Beth said...

Honepot is Britney Spears???

Coaster Punchman said...

This woman must be stopped.

All our neighbors have those above ground pools, though they are not as filthy as Honeypot's sounds.

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

All of our neighbors have in-ground pools that they never use. Never! I wonder if they'd mind if I build a gate from my yard to theirs? I'd be in there in a cool second!

Glitter gulch...that is funny. I can actually visualize it. Did you ever see "Married with Children?"

Distributorcap said...

what does honeypot do for entertainment during the winter?

BeckEye said...

I have nothing funny to say. This post just makes me miss the pool at our beach house. I hate coming home from vacation. But, uh, yeah...good to see you again Dale.

FranIAm said...

Your name was discussed during a blogger meet up I had on vacation.

I will never reveal what we said about you, but rest assured, shit was said.

Teehee!!Honeypot Schmoneypot!

Sans Pantaloons said...

Trying to help.

wonderturtle said...

Best Post Title Ever.

Dale said...

I should just set up a mic Bubs, she's out there now throwing some sort of extended family 'do'. I believe Mother of Honeypot is even there!

You could just swing by and get into her pool Grant, and by pool I mean...

She's at least a good a Mom, Beth.

I'm thinking of trying kindness CP, that kills doesn't it?

Melly, she'd let you use hers so have Grant Miller pick you up. I have seen Married With Children and they were classy by comparison.

This year Distributor Cap, I'm sure she'll try ice skating on the surface of the frozen pool!

Why have I never been invited to the beach house Beckeye? You holding out on me? Nice to see you too!

I'm glad someone's talking about me Fran, I need the break from doing it all myself.

Sans, my Sans! That's so hilarious. Thank you.

You're the best Wonderturtle ever!

Tenacious S said...

You are evil and beautiful and I love you.

Dale said...

Haha, I love you right back Tenacious S. You're a woman of fine taste.