8/10/2007

Won't You Be My Neighbor? - A Plea

Contents of my neighbors’ back yard as of August 9, 9:30 pm:

- One large inflatable air mattress (propped up against rear fence)
- One tent
- One upholstered (indoor) sofa
- One large inflatable pool
- One fire pit (in operation)
- One radio blaring Top 40 hits (possibly the worst infraction)
- One small child (female) wandering around
- Three people drinking something out of a large horn (at times up to nine people, one with electric guitar and small amplifier but no talent)
- Scores of beer bottles

If anyone has the number for this sort of pest control, please contact me at once. Please also note that it would take invisible neighbors to make me happy.

45 comments:

Tanya Espanya said...

Are you sure you're not also in their yard?

Sandra said...

I know an engineer or two that could design a very tall fence

Beth said...

My 30th class reunion was held in your neighborhood. Weird.

But I know where I'm bunking next time I hit Toronto.

pistols at dawn said...

No Camaro on bricks?

Also, do you live in a 1930s Hooverville? Because I believe those depression-era shantytowns were full of similar folk.

Splotchy said...

And a partridge in a pear tree

Bubs said...

This is just sour grapes because they didn't invite you.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I know that gas prices are pretty high right now, but a couple of cans liberally sprinkled about next door might be a very cost effective pest control measure.

My neighbours used to have a giant inflatable castle that took up their entire backyard. I kept waiting for Michael Scott to jump off the roof.

Chancelucky said...

I know these noise cancelling headphones are very popular these days. Have you considered getting neighbor cancelling headphones and glasses?

I suppose you could just get a large screen HD tv screen to stick in your windows..that runs a scene of a neighborhood with proper neighbors on infinite loop.

Coaster Punchman said...

Does the wandering child live there? Hope someone noticed her.

Jacy said...

Wow, so you're living next door to WhiteTrashVille.

My condolences ... as someone who grew up in east-end Toronto, I know them well.

John Mutford said...

Darts would cut the list in half.

Dale said...

I feel like I am Tanya. Ain't no fence high enough!

Maybe a nice lattice-y type thing so I wouldn't be going against code Sandra.

The couch and the air mattress Beth, it's quite a choice!

They do sometimes park on the lawn out front if they have visitors Pistols. Yes, it's just like the 30s, 1930s there, 2030s here.

If only they had such usefulness Splotchy and the flames from their fires weren't licking the leaves of those poor trees.

Leave it to you Bubs to get at the heart of all this sadness.

They'd dance around it with glee Barbara. A giant inflatable castle? That would be fun especially if Mikey came with.

I'm thinking more along the lines of explosives right now Chancelucky but your suggestions could be a good plan B and C.

The wandering child belongs to one of the visiting girlfriends CP so they do occasionally take notice, like when she gets in their little garden and starts eating things until they all scream 'spit that out!' at her.

I'm not sure they can be geographically pinpointed Jacy, they seem to be everywhere! Although, I've lived in the east end too and well, never mind.

Excellent work John, another John suggested a crossbow to deflate some of their dreams.

BeckEye said...

Do you live to Britney? I read that she traded her 2 boys in for one girl.

chelene said...

Was it a horn of plenty?

Dale said...

I have seen a blondish girl with large sunglasses that could have been Britney. And all that fire, could Lindsay be there too. Maybe it's a halfway house/rehab deal Beckeye!

It was weird Chelene, like a long animal horn. Tonight they were out there smoking a big fat joint, I should have wandered over.

Jill said...

Don't you have like a big powerful grass springler thing?? One that would accidently soak them up!!

Mob said...

Hmnn, pest control...does Wal Mart sell napalm?

Just a Girl said...

Maybe the horn was for Mate. Do they have any relation to people from Paraguay?

Tenacious S said...

Until Salvation Army comes to pick up the leftovers from the yard sale, my backyard doesn't look that different, except that we don't drink out of a horn. I accidentally left a Red Bull can on our front porch last night. Does that count?

Bluez said...

When I first looked at this new place I moved into, I did notice the house next door was a bit trashy, but with 2 ladders up in the back and half a new roof, I thought they were in the process of renovation. Boy was I wrong. From my living room window, I'm looking at a trashed out van with weeds growing around it and a pile of junk in the back yard. Need a satellite dish? He's got a ton. I feel your pain Dale.

katrocket said...

eeeeeeeww

X. Dell said...

If you call them liberals, I think Tom DeLay might be able to help you.

Zed said...

I don't know, Dale. I think you're just envious of their "with-it-ness." Envy can be such an ugly thing. :)

gifted typist said...

What a sharp eye you have, Dale. That's an installation piece. Modernist art galleries all over the place crave that sort of thing.

Allison said...

You give the most detailed descriptions of your neighbours, I find it amusing. I wonder if they too spy on you ;)

Writeprocrastinator said...

I already suggested it, Dale. Criss-cross, man. Criss-cross.

Andi said...

Put the binoculars down.

anandamide said...

i just got a new neighbour four doors down from me who is schizophrenic and unmedicated (stops traffic in the middle of the night).

this i can deal with. the problem is that there is a big group of hangers-on who come over to party and every afternoon between 5 and 8 have backyard parties where they set up a karaoke machine and rap off their back deck. loud, "bitch"-this, "ho"-that rapping.

the point being that i would gladly trade neighbours with you....

The Freelance Cynic said...

Barricade the house and play Handals Messiah at full volume on repeat they they suddenly become educated. Then celebrate with Pimms all round.

Jill said...

I'm starting to ask myself some question!! You've been not answering your comments, Tanya and you, for about the same amount of time!! Are you in a cabin, having your not so secret fling??

Evil Genius said...

You're a guy in a bee costume! Glass houses, Dale. Glass houses.

Doc said...

Face it. These same people live everywhere. I'm sure in Egypt somewhere is the exact same people with a Yugo growing weeds, drinking Amarula cream liqueur, as well as random piles of camel dung, and smoking better weed.

Thank your lucky stars that they weren't handing around various firearms and checking their stockpile of fireworks.

That could get ugly.

Doc

deadspot said...

I think it should be obvious that Dale has moved to Charleston, IL.

T said...

What's their address? -I'd like to move in.

Dale said...

I am building an army of springlers Jill and will soon take over the whole neighborhood.

Ooo ooo that smell! Good thinking Mob, I'm heading there shortly and will ask one of the programmed if they carry it.

You might be on to something there Just A Girl. There were some strange cries heard later that same night.

Put the Red Bull down ma'am and by ma'am, I mean you sexy young thing. You're welcome to move in next door and take me to shows anytime Ten. S.

So it's the curb appeal that got you in huh Bluez? I'm sad the old neighbors are gone and there have been 3 sets since the house is a rental now. These last ones are hanging on like a trashed out van.

I think that a lot just stepping into the back yard Katrocket.

I've called them many things in my mind already X. Dell. Should I be saying things out loud?

With-it-ness is perhaps the problem Zed. It ain't easy being green.

The tickets are being printed up right now Gifted Typist. I'm considering cutting you in on the action. Brilliant.

Should I be hanging curtains or blinds Allison? Is that what you're saying?

You're right WP, forgive me for not knowing I'm a maroon.

Do I have to give up my telescope and recording equipment too Andi? You're so hard on me.

They want to include you in their raps but they can't find anything to rhyme with Anandamide yet. Give it time and then you'll be more into it.

I love the idea of being suddenly educated Freelance Cynic. It's fraught with meaning. I'm cranking it now.

Tanya had a baby Jill and once that happens, I'm outta there.

At least I'm not out there waving my stinger in their faces Evil Genius. Hmmm...

They've had some minor firearms actually Doc but not in a while, the fireworks would be a beautiful diversion, especially if they blew the place up leaving a tidy hole.

And I'm dancing one right now too Deadspot. How can you be so dead right all the time?

Are you sure T? I mean, there's no golf course or anything yet. If you'll help me bulldoze, I'll give you the address.

T said...

I ALWAYS find a nearby golf course (w/in 100 miles is 'nearby' for me).

I just thought it would be cool to live next door to someone that spies on me.

(By the way,--I'd prefer to use dynamite. It makes for better hazards.)

Grant Miller said...

OMG! I never realized you're my neighbor! Or neighbour!

kate said...

ok from where I sit... I am thinking that you have 2 choices:

1.join them or

2.drive them out/crazy... rent/borrow a big noisy dog and leave him out barking at them (forget the big bit... you can use my maltese he is about as obnoxious as they get and barks at anything!!) then throw darts at the pool durning the night to pop it... dog poop over the fence near the tent area so as to make it less desirable to be there (ok perhaps some smelly old food too... but nothing that will harm the kid of course) how about using a bull horn several times a day our your back door... perhaps when you are on the phone... kinda like you are on speaker phone! lol.... hummmm ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh use your hose and FLOOD their back yard!! idk if I could or would do any of the above, but it has been really really fun to think about being that vindictive!!

Jill said...

Building something, Dale?? I thought you were no good at doing that!!
And you have to deal with the consequence of your act. If you get some little Dale around, you have to take care of them!

Jake's Mom said...

One year our neighbor wouldn't clean his backyard all summer and that is where he allowed his 3 dobermen pinchers to potty. We called the city and they sent out a "sniffer". He determined that the backyard was deplorable and issued a citation stating it had to be cleaned. After seeing his job as "sniffer", I no longer complained about my job. You need NNS...nuclear neighborhood superiority.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"You're right WP, forgive me for not knowing I'm a maroon."

No, no. You "take care" of my neighbors and I'll "take care" of yours.

Flannery Alden said...

Step away from the window, Mrs. Kravitz.

Dale said...

Thanks for the tip on the dynamite T. I'd spy on you but it'd probably end up costing us both.

I can never figure out which to use Grant. Am I a bad Canadian or just a lousy speller?

Your 'nice blogger' award is going to get revoked if you go around with that kind of attitude Kate. Bravo!

I'm building a little world for just me Jill.

Oh I like that Jake's Mom - NNS is a great idea! What's that smell?

I meant I was a maroon for having forgotten our pact WP.

Flannery Alden, your brain is large and beautiful. That's funny!

jewgirl said...

dale, they trying to "medal" in white trash at the special olympics. you didn't get the memo?

Dale said...

Katie, you know I can't read, I find your comment insensitive!