8/30/2007

Gardening At Night

I haven’t seen much of my neighbors lately and yesterday feeling braver than usual, I sauntered onto the back deck with a book. I sat down and listened for a moment to the sounds of nature (mainly road construction and sirens) before settling in to read.

While minding my own (and possibly everyone else’s) business, I sensed movement from next door. It was my hookery looking neighbor who I now refer to as Honeypot as much for her backyard boyfriend humping as the delicate blend of honey mixed with bleach she considers a hair colour.

She was wearing a leopard type animal print with her hair pulled back into a stubby pig tail and holding a watering can. For the moment, she seemed content to confine herself to the few potted plants on her deck. I safely went back to my book only to be distracted a short while later by the sound of flowers along her back fence snickering at her approach.

The animal print revealed itself to be a one piece bathing suit that while large on its own was far too small for her, a fact that her dimpled ass can attest to. Stippling down from her exposed cheeks were the legs of a dancer, say a 75 year old and badly out of shape dancer. Apart from me, I felt it was a lot to ask of the sun.

Before I could make plans to be blinded by a local gang member, one of the most horrifying events of my adult life occurred. Honeypot turned, smiled and waved at me. I weakly smiled back, collected myself and fled to safety fighting back tears.

Most of the night was spent painting my windows black and wondering what material would be best used to fashion a large HELP sign for the roof.

33 comments:

Jacy said...

Hilarious. Watch out, though. You have waved and exchanged eye contact and before long Honeypot will be at your door asking for a cup of sugar and wanting to act out her own porno film as she slowly removes her leopard-skin one-piece and presses her dimpled thighs against your manhood. Sweet!

allison said...

"It was my hookery looking neighbor who I now refer to as Honeypot..." Priceless. I love your "observational" neighbour posts.

pistols at dawn said...

I'm not going to lie: that sounds hot. I've been tipping the ladies at Saggy Baggage (the over-60 strip club) at least $6 worth of nickels I could have been saving by hanging out in your yard.

Beth said...

I thought I looked good in that bathing suit. Damn.

julia said...

This whole post is hilarious! But this one made me laugh out loud while in public (I'm at reception covering the lunch break) -
"only to be distracted a short while later by the sound of flowers along her back fence snickering at her approach." So, so funny!

Tanya Espanya said...

Haha, Beth!

BeckEye said...

I think I'm going to name my first daughter Hookery. Pretty.

Dale, if the next time your neighbor appears you hear that wakka-wakka '70s porno bass line, RUN LIKE HELL, because you know what's gonna happen next. Once that music starts, it can't be stopped. It's like that crazy Latin chanting in devil movies. You hear that; shit's going down.

T said...

You coulda shot her dead with your hunting rifle and swore you thought your Mini Pinscher was in danger.

Hey, she was wearing leopard skin!...

Chancelucky said...

Dale,
is that your bathing suit or hers in the photo?
She may turn out to be very nice at a personal level. You also might want to set her up with the subway conductor/announcer guy some time.

anandamide said...

They call that type of bathing suit "Cougar print".

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Just close your eyes and think of England, honey, and then maybe she'll take you to a Manic Street Preachers' concert. Oh course you will need to sport some leopard skin yourself, sweet cheeks.

Mob said...

How has your recreation time slowly become a low-rent Showtime softcore film?

You should indeed beware the 70's porn music, it may be your only warning before she comes knocking at your door...

Slaygirl said...

Arrgh! You have a way of conjuring a mental image. By the time I scrolled down to the bathing suit I nearly spit my drink out.

deadspot said...

She likes you! She really, really likes you!

katrocket said...

haha!

But if she was really hot, you'd never get any reading done.

Writeprocrastinator said...

I was going to make a comment about cottage cheese and pineapple, but I'll resist.

Instead...

Tonight on "Passion Of The Dale: Strangers With Candy, Canadian Style!"

Of course, you realize by now, that she's probably scared away the ghost of Gene Kelly.

chelene said...

Serves you right for tempting her with your sophisticated reading and what-not.

Coaster Punchman said...

Now is this really something to cry over? Keep it up and we'll give you something to cry about! Hookery!

Dale said...

Did you just say manhood Jacy? I'm not only a member but I'm also the president.

Be very glad you're not next door Allison or I'd be observing you too!

Tipping cows makes no sense Pistols, admission is free here!

Her roots are darker than yours Beth.

I'm glad everyone in the office now thinks you're certifiable Julia. What are you laughing at? Ummmm, nothing.

Haha, Tanya.

I thought it was pretty too Beckeye, maybe Hookery Passion, I'd be honoured. Just thinking of that music's making me sweat though.

Mini Pinscher T? I thought you said you'd never bring that up again?

That's mine Chancelucky, I'm quite modest about wearing it out though. Update on train Elvis - he's not been there for 2 days. Day 1 was a by the books guy, today it was a blonde Ted Nugent type. I'm afraid!

As long as they're not calling it puppy love Anandamide. Cougar print, that's funny.

Leper I could probably pull off Barbara, but leopard? It'd take more than street preachin' to get me to go there.

There's nothing else on Mob so I figured I might as well have my own show. I'm writing your part right now. I'll let you pick the music though.

I'm worried about your drinking Slaygirl (in front of the computer anyway).

She scares me Deadspot, she really really scares me!

If she was really hot, I'd be charging admission Katrocket.

Could she be my Geraldine Antonia Blank Write Procrastinator? Maybe more my Florrie Fisher.

I'm such a show off Chelene, it is my own damned fault. Thanks for keeping it real.

By hookery or crookery no doubt CP. It is time for me to stop all of my sobbin'.

mellowlee said...

Oh Dale! Poor you! I would be scared to go out into the yard too!

Tenacious S said...

Sweety, I suggest taping such offenses and submitting it to Clinton and Stacy on "What Not to Wear." That 's all I've got.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"Could she be my Geraldine Antonia Blank Write Procrastinator? Maybe more my Florrie Fisher."

Or some DNA experiment with Peg Bundy and Brenda Blethyn gone wrong.

Kate said...

omg you really need to write a book!

Great descriptive writing... I feel like I would recognize Honeypot if I ran into her! lol

Gosh my neighbors are boring! I am probably the person they are blogging about! Really! lol

Anyway... Thats another story!

Bluez said...

*snort*

Flannery Alden said...

Did they film "Hee-Haw" in your neighborhood?

X. Dell said...

What about using that reflective material they make roadsigns out of for your help sign?

You must be very careful. She now know's you're there.

Grant Miller said...

Oooh. When can I visit!?!

Dale said...

Very very frightening me Mellowlee!

That's not a bad idea Tenacious S., they love the secret footage!

I'm picturing Brenda in Peg's clothes now Write Procrastinator and I'm not sure if I can forgive you.

Sounds like I need to get to know your neighbors Kate! Send them over.

:-) to you Bluez.

No Flannery but would you believe I live next door to a former country music radio star (local)?

I'll go up under cover of darkness X. Dell and probably end up breaking my neck. Good suggestion!

Her door is always open Grant.

Andi said...

Ugg. *vomit*

PinkFluffySlippers said...

Poor Honeypot. I guess human sexuality springs eternal. If she lived here she'd probably be outfitted with big silicone breasts, big collagen lips, and big hair extensions instead of just leopard print and bleach.

Zed said...

Dale, this whole neighbor thing is fun, don-cha think??? Well it maybe not for you ... but the rest of us are having a good time!

Dale said...

Wait for the next post Andi, I'll turn your vomit into peace!

She works hard for the money PFS but from what I can tell, most of it's going to smokes, beer and pot.

I'm glad someone's enjoying it Zed. I haven't dared to try and photograph the scene although I've thought of it.

Old Lady said...

Well, she was in her back yard. No rules apply there, only the front yard. Then learn to appreciate the confidence of this woman. This happens to us all, when we are not ready.