12/15/2007

Do They Know It's Christmas?

As the song goes: It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid.

Whoever wrote that doesn't live next door to Honeypot. Approaching my driveway a few nights ago, I saw my dear and brassy neighbor in her front window putting the death star atop her Christmas tree.

Last year, her tree was on display and well lit day and night from mid-November through to January. I expected it was an artificial tree until I saw the remains in the snowbank after the holidays. How she kept it alive all that time and avoided calling the Fire Brigade about her burning bush is beyond my comprehension.

The spirit of the season has moved even the Korean Bagel Lady this year. Her heart opened wide the other day when she decided to Feed the World by giving me a free bagel and coffee. Mr. Korean Bagel Lady scowled on from the back so I just smiled while I collected my bounty. She leaned in and conspiratorially implored don't look at him, it is illegal! I laughed and walked away thinking, so is the threat of adding bleach to my coffee.

Other signs that something miraculous this way comes is that my next few train rides home from work will be like a Silent Night even Stevie Nicks couldn't ruin. The Elvis invoking train conductor has hung up the Santa hat he's been wearing and is now on vacation, ahhh.

He spent much of last week ambushing anyone who walked by him with a fart machine. Generosity of spirit allows me to make no judgment on a sixty-something year old man with a fart machine (especially as I'm a forty-something man who's spent several weeks playing a plastic guitar). My only hope for him for the new year is that he forgets to come back to work or failing that, that someone gives him a whoopee cushion for Christmas, it's time to branch out buddy.

30 comments:

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Is it so wrong that I think I may be in love with Korean Bagel Lady?

X. Dell said...

(1) Honeypot had a Star Wars Xmas ornament?

(2) If Korean Bagel lady gave me a free coffee, I would have it tested for chlorine, just to be safe.

(3) Are whoopie cushions a later technology than fart machines? I don't know much about flatulence gags/pranks.

Holly said...

As the song goes: It's Christmastime, there's no need to be afraid.

An icy fear of death--or maybe it was a sense of amusement (I can never quite tell the two apart)--had gripped me before I even finished the first line.

Honestly, Dale, I never thought of it before, but Christmas is terrifying, and not just because of that Stevie Nicks video you posted! But you know what would make me feel better? A photo of some of the stars your mother cuts out of wrapping paper.

Suze said...

Wow, what a great present. Honeypot, Korean Bagel Lady and farting in one post. Merry Christmas right back at ya' Dale!

Dale said...

It's only wrong if she makes you pay for it Dr. Monkey.

I thought Star Wars but I meant death trap X. Dell. I have someone taste all items before I try them from the bagel shop and I'm not sure if the cushions are a step up or not on the fart gag continuum.

Stevie tends to scare me year round Holly but I was glad to invoke her spirit at this special time. I can't find a photo of the snowflake covered ceiling but I've got one of me in a sailor suit on a rocking horse.

As I've said many times before Suze, I'm all about giving!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

This truly is the perfect storm of blog posts. All my favourite food groups - Honeypot, Korean Bagel Lady (and now Mr KBL),and the Elvis conductor - are represented.

At the risk of mixing my metaphors beyond recognition, I will now leave the building.

pistols at dawn said...

I think the nadir of Western Civilization may be the day someone decided the world needed a mechanized farting apparatus.

That, or the day people decided to buy it.

Leonesse said...

Wow, free food from the Bagel Lady? Did hell freeze over?

chelene said...

I'm not surprised she can keep a tree up that long. Honeypot strikes me as the type of lady who doesn't mind getting down on all fours for a little watering.

BeckEye said...

Maybe the Korean Bagel lady will grant your Christmas wish by putting bleach in Honeypot's coffee.

I would normally have a problem with a Stevie Nicks diss, but as much as I love her, she really did foul up that song.

Distributorcap said...

death star on the xmas tree ---- where are Luke and Leia when you need them?

as for the farting train conductor --- there must some 'empty' cars on that train........

as for bagel lady --- has she ever tried bagels from NYC?

Writeprocrastinator said...

C'mon Dale, take this to its next logical conclusion. You already have Guitar Hero, get Rock Band.

You already play the plastic guitar and since the KBL likes to break your balls, Ziggy, have her play the drums so that she can get that aggression out. Honeypot can backup on the bass and of course, Elvis on vocals.

Thank you very much, uh-huh

Hot Lemon said...

egad, but this is gonna take me awhile to get thru-- so many backlinks I've not read yet, all linking to OTHER backlinks!! YAAAA!! I'M FALLING THROUGH A HOOOLE IIIIN THEEE FLAAAAG!

Dale said...

Barbara, I insist you stay in the building. Can you sing?

Leslie Nielsen should be the only man allowed to have one although he probably gets them for free Pistols.

No but I saw a pig fly the other day Leonesse. Okay, I tripped the pig but still...

She's a laydee, whoa whoa whoa...Chelene, there's a lot going on in that comment of yours - hilarious.

How sweet of you to use the word foul out of kindness Beckeye!

I don't think I've even tried a NYC bagel yet Distributorcap, I'll get back to you on her status if I can make it past her husband. Something about Leia and sticky buns; miles to go before I fart and unfortunately, I'm here all weak folks.

They don't make it for Wii do they WP? I might be tempted to get a little hootenany going. Will you play cowbell?

I'm a patient man Hot Lemon, take your time.

Old Lady said...

Oh, buy a string of lights and make yer own party!!!(nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean, know what I mean?)

Hot Lemon said...

OK, 1/2 way thru, now!!

Chancelucky said...

Did you get all of these people gifts or at least send them a card?

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

Stevie Nicks scares me.

My new grandson is a fart machine..just like his daddy {who just happens to be my guest blogger today}. Was the Elvis-like guy really farting..or was it indeed a "fart machine?"

Congrats on the Korean Bagel lady being nice for the holidays. That makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

i am so visiting korean bagel lady next time i'm in toronto. perhaps we can do the xylophone album signing there?

Creepy said...

As a Jew, I didn't know the fire hazard Christmas trees became after New Year's. I got my first tree in college and enjoyed it so much left it up, lights and all, well into February until somebody talked some sense into me.

deadspot said...

When you say "her tree was on display", I'm hoping that's not a euphemism of some sort.

Mob said...

Completely off topic, but will you ever to an audio post using the name 'Honeypot' as a parody of that old song 'Lollipop'? It's practically all I want for Christmas.

Grant Miller said...

I love it when annoying people go on vacation. Speaking off, I will be away in January.

Kate said...

lol ya... what is the difference between a fart machine and a whoopie cushion? lol Actually, on second thought, dont answer that! lol

Writeprocrastinator said...

"They don't make it for Wii do they WP? I might be tempted to get a little hootenany going. Will you play cowbell?"

I'd gum things up, by doing my stupid Walken impression, all day long.

Jill said...

You'll have to put up a video of you playing that Guitar Hero!

jewgirl said...

that is so funny. I can't believe korean bagel lady coughed up a freebee. was it a salt bagel or a good one, like garlic?

ps: when are you bringing back more audio posts?

Dale said...

Good suggestion Old Lady, I'm plugging them in now. nudge nudge...the lights I mean.

Good work Hot Lemon, I haven't decided yet if there will be a test or not. Be ready.

My gift was not murdering any of them Chancelucky.

He had some sort of thing in his hand that he would press so I'm saying machine Mel.

She's not far from your beloved CBC 668 so I'll give you directions.

Wasn't Smokey a Jewish bear Creepy? That could have been a disaster.

Come on Deadspot, you're hoping for photos!

I'm not much of a singer Mob, maybe if I put the vacuum cleaner on and tried to sing at the same time, it would sound nice.

Excellent Grant, all month?!?!

I'm not such Kate but doesn't whoopee cushion just sound classier?

Walken impressions if done well would make me laugh all day long WP so you're in.

How much will you pay Jill?

It was a BLT on a cheese bagel Katie so it was special. I dunno about a new audio post, it's mood related. I'll try and think of something for you.

Jill said...

Making me happy, that wouldn't be paying enough??

Dale said...

It all comes at a cost Jill.