11/20/2007

Save The Dales

Now that the food displays at work have finally been dismantled and possibly distributed, it has now become my pleasure to walk by the hordes of Christmas trees already adorning the lobby at work. What’s that song called -- the 36 days of Christmas? Sure, there’s the mitten drive to look forward to but something tells me the kids would rather have an iPod to warm them, those silly kittens.

While I'm feeling all Grinchy, I might as well shift focus back to where it belongs, on the Korean Bagel Lady.

Several weeks ago, a co-worker offered to get me coffee and when she mentioned it was for me, the Korean Bagel Lady gleefully told her, I put bleach in it. I guess that explains my radiant smile and upset stomach. When I mentioned I was on to her plot to turn me into a bleached Dale, she said Oh no, now I put C.L.R. in you coffee, it better for you. Doesn't it just warm your cockles and other parts to know there's someone so concerned about my well being?

When she told me a while ago that her husband would be coming back to work at the bagel stand, I asked how they would fit all those people behind the counter. She lowered her voice and said She will not be working here any more and she motioned toward one of the girls in the back. She leaned in and whispered I fire her! and did that hand across the throat sign that means your number's up. As she rose to her full height of nearly 5 feet, she looked pleased with herself at the proclamation.

The day soon came that the lady being 'let go' told each customer in line that she’d been fired. I wished her well and kept moving. Later, the Korean Bagel Lady said to me People are making my head crazy! That girl tell everyone I fire her and they tell me I shouldn’t do that, I should pay her more! They don’t know! She was stealing from here (she pointed at the cash register) and from there! pointing toward the back (either bagels or washcloths were missing is my guess). I asked my poor lady if maybe she’d feel better by poisoning my coffee with something new and she smiled and sent me on my way.

I look forward to new adventures that will no doubt feature my old nemesis and the new one, Mister Korean Bagel Lady even though he's definitely a humourless sort.

37 comments:

Mistress La Spliffe said...

She's married? The plot thickens . . .

pistols at dawn said...

Where the hell am I going to get my cut-rate washcloths now? You'd think I'd have found a better source than importing them from a foreign country, but you'd be wrong, because I'm a terrible businessman.

Jill said...

You gonna loose you honey!! Poor Dale!!
Take the adiction to your coffe as a way to kill the bacteria in your system!!

Reese said...

Dale, you're freaking hilarious.

Suze said...

Ah, this is going to turn out to be a soap opera or 60 minutes. I can see it now. The married Korean Bagel lady falls for the customer. Her husband finds out and then the Korean Bagel Lady needs to off the customer to please her husband. I can't wait to find out how it ends. Could you have a relative post and let us know in case it turns out badly?

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

Reminds me of that scene in the movie Heathers when they're poisoning the one girl's drink. Christian Slater says, "I'm a no-rust-build-up man myself." Could've been CLR for all I know.

PJ said...

She may have bleached your bagel, but at least she didn't spit on it... And I love how she fired that thieving wench - she's my new kick-ass heroine. Long live the Krazy Bagel Lady!

BeckEye said...

I would love to see you and the Korean Bagel Lady in "Oklahoma" on stage, just for that "People Will Say We're in Love" duet that I'm picturing right now.

Grant Miller said...

Those washcloths will get you every time.

Flannery Alden said...

You are livin' the life, Dale.

deadspot said...

No fair. You have two nemeses? When do I get a nemesis? The Guild of Calamitous Intent isn't returning my calls.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

This is turning into the Canadian production of War of the Roses. If you try to tell us that Mr Korean Bagel Lady looks Danny Devoto, I'm going to start suspecting you of fabricating.

chelene said...

Can't you secretly tape her like CP does with Mama Gin? Also, washcloths are a dime a dozen, it was probably the artificial sweeteners that turned up missing. That Splenda costs a fortune and KBL seems like she'd count every single packet.

Franki said...

I think that might be my mom.

is that so wrong? said...

Interesting to note that it seems like the stealing of bagels (supposedly) from the back is a worse offense than from the register. Unless of course there's something of more value back there.... perhaps something to fuel a future blog-worthy investigation?

Writeprocrastinator said...

"She leaned in and whispered I fire her! and did that hand across the throat sign that means your number's up. As she rose to her full height of nearly 5 feet, she looked pleased with herself at the proclamation."

Dang, she has a whole lot of Kim Il Jong in her, don't she?

I wouldn't go to that shop anymore if I were you. With Mister Bagel Lady added to the mix, you'll be outflanked like lions trying to bring down a wounded wildebeast.

Marloes said...

My heart goes out to the poor fired girl. She probably needs the job because she supports a busload full of Korean family who live in a two room apartment without central heating.
Your bagel lady is a heartless mean spiteful old woman who probably just sacked the girl because she might seduce her husband
* I know, I'm losing it but logs like these bring out the worst in me*

Jane Austen Jr. said...

Aaahh...I've missed the Korean Bagel Lady. I'm glad she's back in your life!

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

ooooh, this just keeps getting better and better. i am anxious to see how mr. korean bagel lady treats you.

Kate said...

lol mr koeran bagel lady! omg!

I hate that theres 36 days of Christmas... it almost feels like 1/2 the year we prep for Christmas these days! NOT for spiritual reasons either... grrr

Hope you have a great Thanksgiving! I for one am ignoring Christmas on Thanksgiving! *wink

Beth said...

You need to podcast you and your beloved. Maybe a tale similar to Double Indemnity, in which you two make plans to off Mr. Bagel Man?

Dale said...

She's got kids too Mistress, she's been a busy Korean Bagel Lady.

I'm guessing you're a terrible customer too Pistols at Dawn, never once looking up to meet the eyes of doom across the counter.

She's mine Jill, she's always been mine.

Reese, it's not me, it's her.

I've had my lawyer seal documents to be opened only in the event of my death or an extended Blogger outage Suze. I hope they'll interview you on the Newsmagazine circuit.

I'd forgotten about that BSUWG, it probably was CLR. I should check and see if her name's Heather. She actually told me it once but I couldn't understand her.

She's a take no prisoners kind of bagel lady PJ, I wouldn't cross the counter with her.

OhhhhhhKrahoma where the bagels come rolling down the plain, we'll be a sensation Beckeye, can you help plan our tour?

They get you in all sorts of spots Grant if you use them right.

I'm not sure if it's life or not Flannery but I'm a tryin'.

I'll have Shriekback give you a call Deadspot and kick start that ho hum existence for you. Calamitous Intent - haha, I love that.

He's taller, more a Kathleen Turner type Barbara, only completely unlike her.

I don't think I could get away with it Chelene, our exchanges are fast and furious and I'd still be trying to figure out my camera phone. Maybe if I enlist Jessica's help though. You're right about the sugar substitute though. I'll have to tell you about the napkin rationing soon.

It might be her Franki. Did you enjoy working there this summer?

There's lots of stories hiding in the back ITSW, perhaps I'll ask the health inspector to see their clipboard as a start.

Luckily WP, there's a counter between us and I'm a runner. I never stand still while I'm there just in case, can't let my guard down. She's a little bit Kim Jong Il, he's a little bit Rock n Roll.

So you'll pay her way to come over and work for you then Marloes? I'll make sure her paperwork's in order.

I'm glad she's back in yours too Jane Austen Jr.

We've danced before 668, he used to be there full time but then went away for the summer to run their other business.

Have a great Thanksgiving Kate, we've had ours already because we're impatient yet somehow still polite. All I need now is to hear that Chipmunks song once and my head'll pop off!

She'd do it Beth but probably berate and slap me in the back of my head all through recording. If you'll write the script, we can shop it around.

Jill said...

Pull out your boxing glove from their box then, you gonna have competition soon!!

Coaster Punchman said...

What exactly did you do to make the KBL hate you so much? Are you holding back?

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

Who doesn't love a little nip of CLR in the AM?

X. Dell said...

Mr. Korean Bagel Lady has probably lived for decades as her straight man. So her material will only get funnier from here on out.

I would guess that KBL doesn't pay all that well.

Dale said...

He's tall and wiry Jill but I can take him.

It may have been my complaining when I first started buying from her CP but who can say when the magic really began?

What I don't know may or may not hurt me Dr. M. I'm having lab work done on it now.

My guess is she's raking in some huge profits and shelling out peanuts to the staff X. Dell. Let's hope we get at least a 3 picture deal out of this whole mess.

Allison said...

I'm so happy I got to read this entry with popcorn by my side. The saga is delish.

genn6 said...

haha, I was wondering what our girl'd been up to. Here comes Kim Jong-Il with a bagel in his hand. Your life is about to get much more interesting, Dale.

Godspeed.

Dale said...

It begs for something warm and buttery doesn't it Allison? That wasn't supposed to sound vaguely dirty by the way.

I'm going to carry my blog with me for protection Genn6, I should be okay as I go into battle.

Jill said...

He is maybe made of barbwire, then!!

Valerie said...

As I read this blog entry I could hear you reading it with your warm Canadian accented voice.

Weird.

The Korean Bagel Lady should be written into an opera. I'd like to play her.

Dale said...

That little beard he's wearing looks a bit like soft barbed wire Jill.

That's such a great idea Valerie, you're definitely on the audition list!

Jill said...

You can grow a beard better than him! He have no chance, then!!

Dale said...

Good thinking Jill but my beard comes in greyer than it used to so I don't know if she'll want the version of me that looks 10 years older than I am.

Old Lady said...

Darn, I thought maybe the future held nuptuals for you both, together, to each other.

Dale said...

It doesn't seem to be in the cards, stars or anywhere else either Old Lady.