4/19/2008

Naked City (I Wish!)

One thing I enjoy about living in the big city is judging categorizing people based on their looks as I walk by them. Although I've no proof that any of my guesses are correct, I'm convinced they are.

Look! There goes a harried single mom, someone else who's one bad decision away from being homeless, a heart attack waiting to happen, a chronic masturbator, a model slash actress, a diddler, and a bouncer who needs to get off the 'roids. There are eight million stories in the naked city but I've only got time for one, this is rush hour.

Each morning walking through Union Station, I see a man standing in the same spot, cellphone to his ear. Something about the way he's dressed and the life's beaten me down look he wears tells me he's busy placing bets with a bookie. I've passed him nearly every day for a couple of years so I should know.

A few days ago I slowed down and went to put my newspaper in the recycling bin near where he stands and finally overheard him conducting this piece of nasty business: "I just wanted to make sure you were up honey, hope you have a wonderful day, I love you very much". My guess is that he calls the bookie right after that. In fact, I'd bet on it.

36 comments:

Chris said...

Ever stop to give money to a homeless man rooting through the garbage, only to find out he's really the local bank manager taking his trash out on a weekend? That's embarrassing.

Mob said...

What a jerk he is for trying to ruin your impression of him with that bullshit conversation with his 'wife'.

People take the fun out of everything.

Jewgirl said...

don't you kind of secretly hate it when the back-story you've created for someone is shattered with "their" reality?!

Tenacious S said...

You are clearly an astute observer and a brilliant judge of character.

SkylersDad said...

You obviously have your fingers on the pulse of the common man.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"a chronic masturbator"

First, I was nowhere near Toronto!

Second, you have no right to judge me!

No right!

Grant Miller said...

Funny. I'd hate to imagine what you'd think of me.

Suze's Sass said...

Don't sell yourself short. Maybe that was his bookie on the phone.

Distributorcap said...

i have names for all the people at the gym, at the dunkin donuts, on the subway, and the supermarket -- that i see all the time, but have no idea what their name is

Gifted Typist said...

I was "honey"
And he did call the bookie

Gifted Typist said...

btw, i tagged you

fairlane said...

Gently down the stream, merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, pass the Vicodin.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'd love to hear about your encounters with the chronic masturbator. I hope you don't shake hands.

Bluez said...

Whats the difference between a chronic masturbator and a diddler ?

is that so wrong? said...

Bookie/dealer/pimp/sex-toy-master/CEO.... aren't they all the same in the end?

Chancelucky said...

Dale,
that was really well done and very funny....I guess that's not too clever as comments go though, but I'm afraid you'll walk past me one of these days....

FranIAm said...

Next time don't get so close and ruin the illusion!

BeckEye said...

Hey, that's my wake-up call guy! He's the best in the biz.

John said...

"a chronic masturbator"

I'd like to know what tell gave the guy away.

JDC

Dale said...

That happens to me all the time Chris! I'm glad I'm not the only one.

Exactly Mob, no consideration for me.

I do hate it Jewgirl, I have to stop trying to listen in like that.

And so are you Tenacious S!

Oh I never touch them SkylersDad, that would be wrong.

A bird in the hand... Write Procrastinator, that's all I'm sayin'.

There are several histories and futures already concocted for you Grant Miller.

I hadn't thought of that Suze, who says you can't love your bookie?

That's as it should be, when you find out the guy you've been calling Rocky is actually named Hubert, it's all over.

You know him so well Gifted Typist! I'll have a look at your tag later.

Ah, Vicodin. Good times Fairlane.

If he's busy shaking anything, I'm nowhere near Barbara.

One flies solo Bluez. I think the jail term is much different as well.

They well could be ITSW.

I'll walk past Chanceluck, make an incorrect snap judgment, walk back, make a new one and then I'll get to the bottom of it.

It sounds so simple Fran. In my own defense, I did wait about two years.

If only you had a video phone Beckeye.

Haha, good question John. I said once to a friend that there was something shifty about this guy we'd always see and she said 'yeah, he looks like a chronic masturbator'. The phrase hasn't left my brain since.

Bubs said...

Heh. That guy, being suspicious like all compulsive gamblers are, knew you were watching. He threw in that "honey" malarkey to throw you off the trail.

Remember, initial impressions, especially the ones formed by vague cultural biases, are always correct.

Now, let's hear more about the diddler.

Berry said...

Clearly, this guy is harbouring tons of resentment towards his gal because she gets to sleep in later than him. The "I love you very much" line just REEKS of buried anger and hatred.

Oh, and thank you for recycling.

pistols at dawn said...

If judging people is wrong, then so is God. I mean, isn't that what that dude's all about?

Old Lady said...

Are you sure your mother didn't give me away? I do that allllll the time.

VE said...

I don't think he's a gambler at all. He's got several families that he juggles from that stop...

katrocket said...

Just because you caught me masturbating in the street that one time doesn't make me "chronic". I was just showing off, you know, so you'd mention me in your blog.

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

In college, we had to team up and do "research studies". Real ones. We decided to test this hypothisis: People who walk "a certain way" are happier than others. We had to come up with factors to describe "a certain way". Bottom line is...people who walked fast and with what seemed like a purpose were almost always frazzled, nearly incoherent, and usually reported such things like "my life is a chaotic mess". One old guy made sure to tell us he was gay..3 times. ?? From then on, I found it hard to read people.

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

what's the diff 'tween a chronic masteurbater and a diddler?? frequency??

X. Dell said...

Most guys call their bookie honey over the telephone. It confuses the Feds.

Most people, when they see me, peg me for a longshoreman, or a bricklayer, or some other type of blue collar job. Think you could beat the odds (speaking of bookies)?

Coaster Punchman said...

"...one bad decision away from being homeless..."

This strikes fear into my soul.

Dale said...

Tattling about a diddler seems wrong Bubs. It's always something in the eyes that makes me think that about someone though. I like your theorizing.

I think you nailed it Berry - hey! Berry! How've you been? Nice to see you again. You're welcome for my recycling.

I don't care what they say, I won't live in a world without judgment Pistols!

She did it to me Old Lady so she probably did it to you too! :-)

Good sleuthing VE, I wouldn't put anything past him at this point.

Now, more than ever Katrocket, we need your chronic showing off and masturbating.

Did you play "Walk This Way" and teach them the right way to happiness Melly?

Frequency perhaps but I always think of diddler in relation to someone victimizing someone else Cap'n.

I'm not sure how I'd peg you in person but I have a good idea from reading your blog X. Dell how I would. Okay, I don't. You're a man of mystery and many talents which drives me crazy.

It's a perspective leveling phrase isn't it CP? A lot of people walk that line all the time unfortunately.

the princess said...

cute ending. not a bookie after all.

i love people watching too. you do it very well it seems.

genn6 said...

I agree with distributor cap, I make names for some of those people. There's "Radio", the crazy old lady with the boombox hanging around her neck that rides the No. 6 bus down Euclid. Then there's "Eye Candy No. 1", "Eye Candy No. 2" and "If I Was Gay She'd Be Eye Candy No. 3".....
keeps that part of our routine interesting doesn't it?

Dale said...

The jury's out Princess, at least by some of the comments, haha. People watching is the best as long as I don't have to interact too much.

The routine begs for naming Genn6, you're doing us all proud.

Jill said...

Gambling problem, Dale? Or are you his bookie?

Dale said...

I only gamble on sure things Jill, like losing money.