4/28/2008

The Make Up Sex Should Be Awesome!

The unthinkable has happened - I've broken up with the Korean Bagel Lady! Before you leave me for dead, please hear my tale and then judge.

Last week on a work day filled with unsanctioned breaks and work avoidance, Jessica and I stopped to kibbitz with everyone's favourite bagel lady and get a cup of coffee. From there, we headed for the parkette outside the building to take our places on a bench warmed by spring sunlight.

We chatted a bit and I took a sip of my coffee. That's not right I thought, it must be the gum in my mouth. I went ahead and took a bigger sip and thought that weird taste can't just be from my gum. I asked Jessica to try hers and she did a brilliant spit take followed by a rapid fire: That's awful, there's something wrong with this coffee! Tastes like there's something in it that shouldn't be.

Seconds later, my tongue was tingling and my lips felt numb. This was more than just the heady thrill of being outside for the first time in months without a jacket, this was from coffee most foul. We headed back inside and approached the scene of the crime with caution.

After treading through our explanation, the Bagel Lady asked So, maybe coffee is too weak? No, it's not weak, there's a chemical taste to it, I said. No use any chemical, only clean machine Fridays with safe "cleaning" that company give me (she owns a franchise).

Maybe coffee too strong
? she continued. Quickly becoming exasperated, I said No, it's not too strong, it's not too weak, but it's definitely not just right, there's something wrong with it! She scowled and said Here, let me see - which one Jessica and not yours? She took a swig from her cup and looking more sour than usual found her breakthrough moment. Yes, it bad, she declared.

You'd better throw out the rest of that pot before someone else drinks it, Jessica said. Skipping over this point she went straight to You want free coffee? Here, I give. She was about to pour a new cup out of the same pot. You can't serve the rest of that coffee!, we chastised, there's something wrong with it!. She acquiesced and disposed of the rancid brew. She then told us to wait while she made a fresh pot.

We compared symptoms and wondered what our livers were about to start trying to process until the new brew was ready. We hesitantly poured and went for the milk. It was empty. You're out of milk I said. Here, new one. As soon as it hit the hot coffee, the milk curdled. I can't take any more of this, let's just go, Jessica said. We told her we'd decided to pass on the idea of coffee today and she countered with Come back tomorrow, I give you free one!

Within a half hour, my head was pounding. I'm getting a headache now I called over the partition separating my deluxe cubicle from Jessica's. So am I. We shared some Advil and started drinking lots of water.

When I got home that evening, I brushed my teeth and tongue several times but the funny taste/feeling lasted right through to the next day. Jessica had enjoyed her evening even more after spending part of it throwing up.

We went back to our would be executioner and told her about it. She at first tried to say that we were just thinking about it too much and that's why we felt funny, you imagine it. When she saw that we were about to reach over the counter and brain her, she said she'd isolated the rest of the bags of coffee from that batch and opened a new case. She also called the company to test the coffee. Free one? she asked. We declined.

She refused to agree that there was any sort of chemical involved although my thoughts went to her long ago claims to having put bleach and CLR in my coffee. My guess is that maybe she did clean the pot out with something and forgot to rinse it.

I haven't been back since. I've walked by a few times and tried to avoid her icy stare. My response has been to just smile back while shielding her competitor's coffee cup from view. I know that sooner more likely than later, my body will betray me and demand bacon on one of her damned cheese bagels and I'll be back, but for now, I'm just biding my tongue time. I know which side my bagel's buttered on!

PS: While I have broken up with her, I haven't forgotten you my lovely readers and commenters. I've just been very busy. As soon as I have time, I'll break up with you properly.

45 comments:

Some Guy said...

It's gonna take more than a free coffee for The Bagel Lady to regain any sort of obnoxious lovability she may have once had in my eyes. Good idea to steer clear of her for a while and let her think about her transgressions.

Bluez said...

She's definitely trying to kill you Dale. Is there something you're leaving out of this story? Hell hath no fury as a bagel women scorched.

Suze's Sass said...

Oh no! It's an end of an era. Apparently the Bagel lady wanted the ending to be a tragedy.

Oh you had better not break up with us. I'll make the Bagel Lady seem like Mother Theresa if you even try.

chelene said...

You mean to say that you don't care for chemicals and toxins in your beverages, Dale? Who knew?

Barbara Bruederlin said...

While I will miss the tales of your encounters with her, I am glad that we now have a new and useful phrase to add to our lexicon.

You've been Korean Bagel Ladied.

She just Korean Bagel Ladied you.

Sit down and shit up or I will Korean Bagel Lady the hell out of your face.

See? Useful AND descriptive.

Writeprocrastinator said...

I told you after the last CLR incident that you shouldn't go back and I'm telling you again. The fact that she knew the stuff was bad and was going to continue to sell it, speaks volumes.

When she is down to the three customers (I imagine a couple of hardcore chain smokers and someone who is punch-drunk) who have no sense of tasted left, she might get the message. The Missus is asking if you have complained to the Board of Health yet.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"You've been Korean Bagel Ladied.

She just Korean Bagel Ladied you.

Sit down and shit up or I will Korean Bagel Lady the hell out of your face."

That's good stuff, Barbara.

pistols at dawn said...

After all I've done for you, I at least expected an awkward, mostly misspelled text message dumping me.

And that woman is clearly trying to kill you, but with cut-rate poison. The latter part's the part I'd take offense to. It's so easy - arsenic tastes like almonds. She just got lazy.

BeckEye said...

Barbara, I think we can shorten that to KBL'd. The other is kind of a mouthful, no? Like a mouthful of caffeinated toxic chemicals!

Dale, I think you should try to sell this story to the big studios. Or at very least, the Lifetime network. They could get Lindsay Wagner to play the Korean bagel lady. The makeup people might even win an Emmy.

PJ said...

I had to break up with the Chinese restaurant near my workplace as I made a little scene when they gave me pork instead of chicken and charged me extra. Now I'm sad that I can't have my special fried rice anymore.

It hurts, but it's probably for the best.

katrocket said...

I told you she was Trouble.

Falwless said...

I cried a little at this post. I'm so sorry that you had to go through all of this. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

SkylersDad said...

I real pro like me knows to use the tasteless poison...

X. Dell said...

(1) I'm glad that you'll break up with us properly. We hate to be ignored.

(2) Were I you, I would have saved the cup. Of course, I'm in academia, so I can find someone to test the coffee for me. But from your symptoms, it was obviously contaminated, and I'm hoping that there isn't something more serious down the road for you two.

(3) KBL seems like a born New Yorker. She denies everything.

Chris said...

Just as a note to myself, I'm not eating at skylersdad's house any time soon...

Mob said...

That's horrible, I'm glad your snark remained unaffected by the chemicals you were unfortunate enough to ingest.

Don't give in, God knows what the story with the bagels could be...

Doc said...

I've heard the phrase, "There is never a cop around when you need one," but never for CSI. This sounds like a "Murder She Wrote" plot. Sure, there are the red herrings of the Korean Bagel Guy and the punch-drunk guy, but Dale winds up just as dead as Mr. Body in every game of Clue.

Just as a suggestion, seeing as you realize now that your life is now "on the line" everyday and people are out to get you, you might consider puchasing a few things out of your next paycheck, such as bagels, a new toaster, cheese and bacon, a quality coffee pot that brews in under four minutes, a bulletproof vest, and a rape whistle. Should you feel that the list is incomplete, feel free to add road flares, switchblade, first aid kit, handcuffs, lock picks, and a pump shotgun with a compass in the stock.

Let's face it, your loyalty and your patronage have been betrayed. You have been poisoned, and even those around you are in danger.

My advice: hire Skyler's Dad to be your food taster. He was in the Navy. Those guys will eat anything.

Doc

VE said...

Boy, without hard evidence, you don't have a pot to piss in if anything really bad happens. Oh wait...maybe that isn't the right analogy for this scenario...

Allison said...

Well, hopefully Honeypot will provided some shenanigans to make up for the loss of Korean Bagel Lady stories. :)

Cap'n Ergo Jinglebollocks said...

whatever happened to the good ol' days when people would drop LSD into you coffee? Have we gotten cheap or something? She could've at least sprung for some extacy if she was wantin' yo' attention...

Bubs said...

I'd stay the hell away from there! I mean, I appreciate your funny bagel lady stories and all, but I'd seriously worry about being harmed by her.

Chancelucky said...

Dale,
why would you expect people who eat Kim Chee in large daily quantities to make good coffee on a consistent basis?

Besides, it's not about the coffee...I'm sure she's far more interesting than whoever her competitor is.

So you got sick and almost died....It's not as if you really did die.

I say bring a thermos of coffee to work and continue to support her business in some other fashion.

I am noticing this strange Asian thing going on with you though. First you nearly get stir fried in a fire at a Chinese restaurant. Now you get coffee with Korean red chilis and claim to have been poisoned. Whatever you do, no sushi for the next few weeks.

Leonesse said...

Maybe she has a partnership in a Funeral Home too.

Flannery Alden said...

Oh, Dale! Which of us will get to keep the Springsteen albums?

Gifted Typist said...

Tongue brushing?
You do that too?
No one ever told me to tongue brush... you brush your teeth.

Since when do we have to brush our tongues?

Dale?

But yes, I will miss KBL

Johnny Yen said...

I always love when the compensation for a bad product is more of that bad product...

Maybe there could be a silver lining; perhaps a neighborly gesture, a fresh cup of coffee to Honeypot, could be in order.

Beth said...

Next thing you know, you'll break things off with Honeypot. Why does it always have to be about you, Dale? Don't you realize we need these stories?

Old Lady said...

Story of my life...meet a nice guy
build a relationship then thump! He dumps me...

Next!!!!

Grant Miller said...

Dale, are you even still with us??

Dale?

Dale??

Coaster Punchman said...

I have an idea. Let's get the Korean Bagel Lady to visit Mama Gin! Maybe that way they can, uh, cancel each other out!

the princess said...

hopefully the make-up sex is truly memerable after your ordeal.

clr~~yuck! hope your girlfriend is feeling better.

Dale said...

She feels the burn the same way I did Some Guy, only mine was on my tongue.

Maybe she found my blog Bluez and that's what led her to try and off me.

It's always fun until someone loses a lip or a tongue Suze. I like the fire in the second part of your comment. Should we go to war?

As the KBL has said to me on more than one occasion Chelene: You picky! Yep, me picky.

Also with a lyrical ring Barbara? You've been Bruederlin'd! I'm trying to sit down and shit up right now.

No Board of Health complaints yet Mrs. WP but I think I will call the company. I'm fine now and will post a follow up about my minor ordeal WP. Why do I never listen to you? Looks like Barbara Bruederin'd you!

Deer Pistuls whut Don, never gonna give u up, unless I start smellen almonds.

Maybe when I get sick in the movie, I can lay on one of those craftmatic beds Lindsay hocks all the time? It's a win-win Beckeye. I think I'll have Michael Johns play me.

Start wearing a disguise and keep on loving the rice PJ.

Thank you for not saying "I told you you were a MORON Dale" Katrocket. I appreciate it.

Are you for hire Skyler's Dad?

I'm only temporarily ignoring you X. Dell. I'm busy exploring franchising possibilities in NY for her so you can keep your eye on things.

He's Trouble for sure Chris, beware.

I'm just looking for something to pad my retirement income with Mob, I need to sue her ass.

Doc, you're all common sense and wisdom, except for the rape whistle suggestion. I'd never get any action if I starting blowing a whistle. Skyler's Dad's reputation grows more sinister with each comment. Road flares, yes, I want road flares!

You said what I was thinking VE, actually I may have said it too, just not typed it. Get out of my head and clean up that mess!

Honeypot may well have to serve as my target for now Allison. Plus, there's a long haired pony tailed guy hanging around her now so I'm sure the games are just about to begin.

Exactly what I wished had happened Cap'n Ergo, I love to travel!

Ah there's the cop Doc was looking for! You're absolutely right Bubs, if only I had a lick of common sense.

I know Chancelucky, it's all about me, I'm just like that. Her coffee's actually always been inconsistent which is odd considering it's pre-measured in packets that go into the machine. Fire, walk with me!

That's sound thinking Leonesse, she's trying to get me coming and going.

It's always been about you Flannery so when I die, take good care of the albums and the blog would ya?

You only brush them when, what's th technical term, oh yes, when they're scungy, Gifted Typist.

Ridiculous isn't it Johnny Yen? "Here, have some more poison!" As for Honeypot, she definitely needs a little sugar in her bowl so I'll think about that.

Well decorate me with a man sized wreath Beth, I'm so selfish! Please forgive me.

Don't tell me she's learning from you then Old Lady?!

Grant, I made it through the wilderness although I have made it through Madonna's video for 4 Minutes.

If only they were Czechoslovakian Coaster Punchman, I could write a post entitled Canceled Czechs! Why does the universe hate me?

It had better be great Princess or I'm simply not going to pay for it. Jessica belongs to someone else by the way.

Dale said...

Just to make you cry even more Falwless, I left you out of my reply comment. I'm all about hurting people. You're back in my thoughts. Love, the moron.

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

I am happy for your loss. Forget her and move on.

Writeprocrastinator said...

You're it, Dale.

Hahn at Home said...

I give it a month. Your bond is too deep to be tragically severed like that. Didn't you two promise for richer, for poorer, in sickness and health, blah, blah?

Creepy said...

She should have used thallium; it's odorless and tasteless.

John said...

You'll meet another Korean Bagel lady Dale. It won't be the same, but you'll grow as a result.

Maybe you might call out "Korean Bagel Lady" when eating a bagel from your new bagel lady, but it will be okay because she will be Korean too!

Maybe you should play the field and see a few Korean bagel ladies.

Be careful and don't be like me. I played one against the other and I don't have a Korean bagel lady anymore.

Not anymore.

I had to switch to Korean biscuit ladies.

JDC

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

The fall of the KBL may be a bad omen for the economy. I hope things improve.

Chancelucky said...

Dale,
am I going crazy or did one of your posts disappear? I suppose the two possibilities aren't mutually exclusive though.

Prime Minister Dr.Evil said...

Bagel bad. Want free bagel too?

Dale said...

I am practicing moving on and will stop singing Unforgettable each time I walk by Melly.

You've zapped me Write Procrastinator. How mad will Gifted Typist be if I answer your meme first I wonder.

We said a lot of things Lori but now I'm questioning our whole relationship. Hey, cheese bagels!

Creepy, you're a lifesaver, or well, no, you're a genius.

Biscuits! They do biscuits too? Playing the field as we speak John. It's a long morning without a treat to fall back on.

Everything could collapse BSUWG. I should be more careful with the universe.

I wouldn't be surprised if she's made several posts disappear along with my appetite Chancelucky.

Yes please Prime Minister, I can definitely be bought with freebies.

WendyB said...

You foiled her evil plan!

Dale said...

I'm waiting for her next move WendyB and I'm a little tense.

disa said...

I love it ! Very creative ! That's actually really cool Thanks.