Happy Endings

While it's true that here in Canadaland gumdrops and health care are free, it follows that you must generally do something stupid to get that free health care (the gumdrops you can just pick off the trees).

A few weeks ago, I was lamenting not being able to hold dance classes on the back deck as it was still covered with white stuff snow. My brain, being the underused entity that it is, told me I should get a bit of exercise and shovel the damned stuff onto the lawn before my dreams collapsed along with the deck.

I cleared most of it away and was ready to sign up new students when a couple of days later, the phrase pain in the neck took on a meaning I'd not previously understood. The act of turning my head even slightly sent shock waves through me as the spasms took over. I called on my brain for solutions and all it could come up with was I bet you could score some good drugs out of this.

As I'm in the process of breaking up with my own doctor because I can never reach him (he never seems to be free), I went to one of those tiny magical kingdoms known as a walk-in clinic. The doctor there took one look at me and suggested some medication, an x-ray and some physiotherapy. (Treatment and muscle relaxants are not quite as free as everything else but my plan at work covers me with a thousand sweet kisses).

When the lovely therapist saw how incredibly stiff I was, she tried some manipulation and then asked if I'd ever tried acupuncture. Well, stick a needle in me - I'd never thought of it but was willing to try nearly anything for a bit of relief.

After one session, the difference was quite remarkable. A few more visits and I'm a very happy and pain free fellow. At my last session, the therapist said "I think I'm going to give you a soft discharge", a phrase more fraught with meaning than this entire recounting. My eyebrow raised as I thought "that's gotta cost extra!" but she continued on - "That means you don't need to come back unless you have a flare up but if you do, your file is open and you can just book an appointment and I'll fix you right up".

No longer sitting on pins and needles about the potential for big pain from channeling Amy Winehouse while shaking my head and saying No No No to the Korean Bagel Lady's advances, once again I am ready to rumble rhumba!


FranIAm said...

Acupuncture is the best, in my humble opinion.

Although I am very sorry that you had to walk the path of pain to find that out; it sort of works that way.

Blasted snow... blasted snow!

Poor Dale, I thought you'd been sort of quiet of late.

You must know that I thoroughly enjoyed your shoe post from last year, which was new to me, since I did not know you back then.

At this point I look forward to video blogging of you dancing on the deck and moving your neck with a range of motion, heretofore unknown to man or woman, even to Candian man or woman!

Bubs said...

Wow. "Happy ending" had me expecting something else entirely.

But I'm glad you beat your pain with accupuncture!

If I move south and don't have snow to deal with, I wonder what I'll do to hurt my back and shoulders there...

SkylersDad said...

"Soft discharge" would have had me sitting there naked. Thank God you don't think like me!

Distributorcap said...

i saw happy endings and i saw bagel lady and i thought..


glad your pain is subsiding, in the states that would have cost around $74 million dollars

but they would take $1 canadian dollar since it is worth so much more.

Tanya Espanya said...

There is entirely too much dirtay thinking in your post and Bubs', Skyler's Dad's, and Distributor Cap's comments.

Fran You Are, I love love love your face, doll!

And when do I get my dance lessons, anyway?

Jacy said...

I really have to get to a acupuncturist. I have chronic neck problems -- your shovelling paralysis attack happens to me once every couple of months. I always get a masseuse to help loosen me up but I keep hearing that acupuncture is truly the way to go.

Your person/clinic isn't downtown, right? But up there in the boonies?

Writeprocrastinator said...

Acupuncture worked wonders for Procrastinator Junior's Godfather and I would've signed up for it on this last bad back stint, but I didn't have the funds.

Oh, to live in Canada!

Like Bubs, I was expecting something different with "happy ending," though it was more along the lines of that "Robot Chicken" episode.

genn6 said...

Distributor cap is wrong, in the States that would have only cost around %35-40 million.

I'm jealous.

Suze's Sass said...

And I thought this was a PG-13 blog. And then I got to thinking "Why am I at a PG-13 blog". So now I'm all thought out. Glad your neck is feeling better. So now I can put the pins back in the vodoo doll :)

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Seeing as you didn't mention waiting for 16 hours at the walk-in clinic, I'm assuming you must have had a piece of paper that entitled you to fast track status. What did you do, fake chest pains?

So glad to hear that your therapist worked miracles on you, but I am sorry to hear it didn't come with an egg roll.

VE said...

Are you saying you're a pain in the neck?

Dale said...

Love your new photo Fran and I'm definitely an advocate for the needle now!

Thanks for the nice words on the dancing post, I used to write so much more here than I do lately, not sure what's up with that.

As for the video blogging, I'm terrifically untalented in the dance department but with my new and improved pain free ROM, who knows?!

Bubs, I guess it wasn't fair to pull a 'bate and switch like that was it? :-) You could always hurt yourself lifting all that tasty barbeque.

I was only half naked at the time Skyler's Dad, sort of like I am now. TMI?

If I give you a $2 coin it'd be an embarrassment of riches Distributor Cap. Move closer, I can get you in.

You and I have been dancing for years Tanya Espanya. Sorry about all the bruising. Fran looks better now that she's no longer guesting on The Simpsons doesn't she?

I sent you an email about it Jacy, it's right downtown. It was medical acupuncture as opposed to the Chinese variety. It worked so well for me, I hope you get the same result.

I've never seen Robot Chicken but I know Mob over at Dear Bastards is a devotee (of the show) Write Procrastinator. Come up here, I'll get you in as Tanya's uncommon law husband.

What is it with that DCap and his complaining Genn6? That's a bargoon!

I hope it's at least NC-17 Suzel whatever that means! Push it in! Push it in!

Oh I always go in and collapse right off the bat Barbara. They spring right into action! I actually went on a good day I guess, it was only about a 20 minute wait. No egg roll, no bagel, just a bunch of pricks!

You know I am VE! It keeps everyone in that zone of mild irritability I love.

Chris said...

Man, that sort of neck/back pain really SUCKS!

True story: I was playing bass in a rock band. About halfway through our particularly special rendition of "Play That Funky Music White Boy," my hair fell in my face. Without thinking I flipped my head back to get my hair back where it should be, and LOCKED UP.

I threw my back out, onstage in front of a paying audience, by flipping my hair out of my eyes.

I felt so very, very old... I couldn't stand, couldn't move, sharp shooting pain... Finished the gig sitting very carefully on the very edge of a chair on the back corner of the stage as far out of the spolight as I could get.

It took weeks for my back to fully un-spasm. Sucked.

Next time, thanks to your tip, I'm gonna hire the neighbor kid to throw darts at me -- cheaper 'n American health care!

Leonesse said...

I once put my back out. Really, really, huge vertebrae misaligned, badly put my back out. I would like to say that I was lifting a burning car off a small child, but no, I was trying to put sunscreen on my back.

Allison said...

Glad you're back in the pink! I keep hearing wonders of acupuncture, but I'm nervous of needles, I'll be sure not to pick up a shovel then. ;)

Dale said...

Go big or go home or go sit on a chair, you've got your own way to rock Chris, that sounds like it was excruciating! Get the smaller darts, the lawn darts might just be too much to start with!

Where were your servants Leonesse? Giving them too much time off leads to such folly!

The needles are so tiny Allison that you could fit 3 of them inside a regular sized needle, you just feel a tiny pinch. Your method of not picking up a shovel works equally well however.

Writeprocrastinator said...

"I've never seen Robot Chicken but I know Mob over at Dear Bastards is a devotee (of the show)"

A guy goes to an Asian massage parlor to get a massage. A woman with a bad stereotypical Chinese accent after the massage, offers "you want "happy ending?"

He says "no thank you, I'm married."

She says "no, you want 'happy ending!"

He backs away and flees. She pursues him and kills or destroys evertyhing and anyone near him while screaming "happy ending,' happy ending!"

Finally she traps him and says "here, 'happy ending!" and feeds him a potsticker.

"Come up here, I'll get you in as Tanya's uncommon law husband."

Um, what part of "bear" don't you understand in "Rowbear?" If that won't get him riled...

BeckEye said...

Dear Penthouse,

I swear that this story is true. When my lovely therapist saw how incredibly stiff I was, she tried some manipulation...

the princess said...

the snow needs to end!

glad to hear you got some releif.

Bluez said...

So, DID you get any good drugs?

pistols at dawn said...

The only time I really feel alive is when I'm dancing.

Dale said...

That sounds pretty funny WP. Don't worry about Rowbear, he'll be glad for the relief.

I was hoping you'd find that line and give me grief Beckeye. Such relief!

We're nearly done with it here after two days of sun and gasp, double digit Celsius working for us Princess. Good luck down there though!

I opted for muscle relaxants to start which were mildly effective Bluez but then waited to see if the treatment helped before asking for the good stuff.

Same here Pistols, except when I'm getting the old one two punch in the face, that reminds me I'm alive too.

Artful Dodger said...

You're a dance instructor? So awesome. Too bad your too far away or I'd sign up. I need to brush up on some moves.

Franki said...

When I read "soft discharge", I must admit I got a bit nervous.

Dale said...

If you've got two left feet Artful Dodger, you'd fit right in alongside me!

I was a little nervous when she said it to me too Franki!

Jane Austen Jr. said...

Acupuncture didn't do anything for me, although I quite enjoyed seeing a forest of needles protruding from my skin.

Glad to hear your neck's better- at least it wasn't something REALLY embarrassing, like a groin muscle!

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

I think there's much more to this story... You started off with that whole "When the lovely therapist saw how incredibly stiff I was..." and then got to the "soft discharge."

Dale said...

I have a feeling Jane that needles would not have been allowed anywhere near my ahem groin.

I could tell you more BSUWG but I'd have to charge you extra!

Coaster Punchman said...

Glad it worked out for you. I tried it for lower back pain but it didn't work. Actually I think it had more to do with the acupuncturist being a quack. I mean, she wasn't even Chinese.

X. Dell said...

Accupuncture sounds a lot less painful than, say, Korean bagelpuncture. Let's just hope it stays away for good.

Dale said...

Mine wasn't Chinese either CP but I bet she'd pretend if you needed her to.

The neck's still pretty good X. Dell so I'm treading lightly around the Bagel Lady and everyone else.