She Loves Me She Loves Me Not

Today marks the Chinese New Year. Can you guess how I know this?

A) I'm culturally sensitive and aware

B) I'm always looking for a new holiday

C) I drank flavoured coffee and had a run in with the Korean Bagel Lady.

I went to get coffee yesterday and as I was pouring a cup, the Korean Bagel Lady said something that sounded like this: .

I said I have no idea what you just said to which she replied I showing you that I am bilingual. You're very talented I smiled back but I still can't understand you. She said it again and I asked if it meant Dumbass in Korean. She laughed and tried to ring in my coffee but jammed the cash register. As she was pressing buttons to clear it I said I guess I'm not the only one who doesn't understand you. She glared at me and I left.

Moments later, I realized that I was drinking some sort of disgusting flavoured coffee and returned to the scene of the crime. I told the First Lady of Bilingualism that the pots may have gotten switched as this was flavoured coffee. You probably took the wrong one she accused. It wasn't my fault I countered and I hate flavoured coffee. I hate you so we even! She said it with a smile so I waited until later to cry.

I asked about the phrase she'd used earlier that I didn't understand and she said she was wishing me a Happy New Year in Chinese. I thought you were Korean? Yes, I Korean but I'm not stupid and I bilingual. We laughed and then she tried to teach me to say the phrase. In between me trying to say it, she also told me she thinks I slouch when I walk and I must stand straighter. So nice to know others are kind enough to tell me my posturing is getting on their nerves.

After a few efforts, it almost sounded like I was saying Happy New Year and I guess to congratulate me she said what sounded like Now you can bo me. My mind raced - did she just ask me to blow her? Reacting to the puzzled look on my face, she repeated Now you can bo me but this time it sounded more like Now you can bone me. I was really nervous but her husband wasn't around so hmm... Before I could give her my final answer, she bowed to me. Oh, you want me to bow to you! I did and walked away as tall, proud and relieved as I could be.


Mistress La Spliffe said...

Happy new year! You know you'd miss her if she was gone.

Tanya Espanya said...

She wants you to stand up straight AND bow? Tell her to make up her mind. But maybe she just wants access to your back so she can stab you.

Chris said...

This has the makings of the next great romantic comedy. "Dale and The Korean Bagel Lady" has a very cinematic ring to it, don't you think?

I can just hear that movie trailer voice, "Sometimes you find love where you least expect it..."

Pezda's Ghost said...

This is why I avoid speaking to people in public, to avoid confusion.

BeckEye said...

Imagine if you did bone her. She'd just be yelling at you the whole time how you weren't doing it right.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

She must have actually wanted you to bone her (or perhaps blow her) and that's why she got all flustered and jammed the cash register. You have POWAH, you sex monkey!

I was told it's pronounced Gung Hay Fat Choy, but I get a really shocked look every time I say that to a Chinese person. I'm probably telling them to blow me. So naturally I say it all the time.

Hot Lemon said...

I'm not bilingual, but i often spout total gibberish and pretend to be. Has 'bout the same effect.

Anonymous said...

I love your love story with the Korean Bagel Lady, dumbass. It makes me want to cry.

PJ said...

Wow, she's definitely lining you up to be her New Year lover. Gung ho at it, my friend!

Dr. Monkey Von Monkerstein said...

I adore that old bat.

Franki said...

My white roommate just informed me it was Chinese New Year...and I'm Asian! I am gonna be in so much trouble for this.

This post killed me. Asians are only trying to help with their rude, unsolicited comments you know.

Bubs said...

I've lost my Cantonese translator, so I'll just have to send my New Year greeting to you and your bagel lady girlfriend in Engrish:

Congratulations and be prosperous, now give me a red envelope.

pistols at dawn said...

You know, "Happy new year" and "I'd like to hate-f you" sound incredibly similar in Cantonese.

Melly/Melody/or Mel said...

OMG...you make me laugh. I am so happy I stopped by.

Happy New Year! Now go have a bowl of noodles.

Andi said...

For some reason the boning part reminded me of the scary landlady in Kingpin. Eeek!

genn6 said...

Sure she wasn't trying to poison you with that coffee? What tastes "flavoured" to you could've been something else...I'd check that.

Tenacious S said...

I love the daily drama. The guys that run our neighborhood coffee shop are young and disgustingly nice and over-caffeinated. The other day when it was snowing, one of them looked up with a huge smile on his face and said, "Look! It's super snow globey!" How dare he interrupt my crabby pre-coffee morning with his cheerfulness.

Valerie said...

did she give you a red envelope filled with money?

I think you should write a blog post from Korean Bagel Lady's point of view...

Gifted Typist said...

You two are like a multicultural Will and Grace. Honestly!

Coaster Punchman said...

Gung hay fat choi!

Jane Austen Jr. said...

I think that I have come to live for these Korean bagel lady stories. They are simply classic!

Allison said...

The Korean Bagel Lady stories always make me smile.

katrocket said...

kung hei fat choi, mon ami!

Anonymous said...

There goes another keyboard....

X. Dell said...

So KBL speaks not only Korean but Mandarin. If she learns English, that will make her trilingual.

I'm still working on the theory that she has a huge crush on you, and that the flavor in the coffee was some type of love serum.

Elizabeth McQuern said...

You really need to make a series of these encounters. Hey, know any up-and-coming comedy writing types? ::wink wink::

Blowing Shit Up With Gas said...

"Now you can bo me"

A true classic. That could be a worldwide catch-phrase -- a really versatile one that could mean various things depending on the context.

Beth said...

Every time I read about you two lovebirds, I start singing The Stylistics "Make up to Break Up" in my fuzzy head.

mellowlee said...

This post made me laugh out loud for real ;O) I love your Korean Bagel Lady stories. Around these parts there is a lot of "gung hay fat choy!" going around. It's fun to say! Btw, the bagel lady reminds me of my ex co-worker Dianna, who used to love to let people know when they are gaining weight, etc. I guess she figures she is doing them a favor. She pisses people off on a daily basis, but I still love her :O)

Chancelucky said...

Gung hay fat choy, Dale :}

Writeprocrastinator said...

Naw, you got it right the first time. She just wants you to lean even further down and keep that pose.

Jacy said...

I think she was in fact asking you to both BLOW her and BONE her but got embarrassed in the end and said you could bow to her.

Korean Bagel Lady has the hots for Dale.

I knew it!

Johnny Yen said...

Happy New Year!

As you know, my son, the Evil Dictator, is half Chinese and happily celebrates both the regular and the Chinese New Year. A couple of years ago, my father and I discovered that my greatgrandfather was Jewish (he'd kept it a secret out of his general contempt for all religion). I kidded Adam that he could celebrate Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, as well if he wanted. Not that anybody in my home needs an excuse for a party.

Flannery Alden said...

When you come here for Groundhog's Day 2009, you must bring the Koren Bagel Lady.

Dale said...

I would indeed Mistress, she's become a part of my day.

Exactly the difficult position she likes to put me in Tanya!

The movie trailer guy's voice is now in my head on a loop Chris. Thanks, sort of.

That's supposed to be my policy too PG but I muck it up all the time.

I know it Beckeye and in more than one language too.

I got the POWAH Barbara for sure Barbara. She gave me a couple of different ways to say it, the only one I could pronounce was GHFC.

And strangely I almost always understand you Hot Lemon.

Just wait until the Lifetime movie funding comes through Suze.

Full steam(ed rice) ahead PJ!

She'd monkey with you too if she could Dr. Monkey.

I feel the love Franki but you're not gonna, not from your roundeyed roomie anyway.

She tried to explain the envelope thing to me Bubs but I got lost (in the translation).

She probably said both to just to be sure Pistols.

Love and noodles Mel, they're so close aren't they?

The boning part of your comment made me think Bonaparte Andi. Are we even?

Luckily I only took a sip before tossing it Genn6. There could be a plot afoot.

Super snow globey Tenacious S.? I would have found one and brought it down on his head.

So you want me to write a short post eye level with my chest Valerie? No red envelopes, maybe next year.

If only she'd show the will to have a little more grace Gifted Typist!

That's a type of latte right CP?

I think I have come to worry about you more now JAJ. Get out of the house!

Smile and everyone will wonder what you're up to Allison, at least everyone who doesn't read your blog.

Aha! Katrocket proves her trilingualarity! I knew it.

Whoops there goes...Hi Bluez!

May she never learn English X. Dell, it'd put my blog out of business. Dark Roast Potion No. 9?

You're my number two go to man Elizabeth. Nudge nudge.

No one knows bo like she knows bo Patrick.

Her impact is far reaching and causes all sorts of interesting brain activity Beth. Sing louder.

Interesting that the KBL has mentioned my weight at different times too Mel, I'll have to figure out if her name is Dianna.

And to you Mr. Chancelucky. It's going to be a good one right?

Is posing in my contract though WP? I know I'm a poseur but that's different.

She at the very least has the hot coffee for me Jacy, that I know.

Happy New Year to you and the Evil Dictator as well Johnny. Help him celebrate every possible New Year there is. I love your grandfather's demeanor and his secret character name: General Contempt.

It'd be a tall order getting the KBL into that hot tub but it would be fun Flannery, I'll extend the invite!

jewgirl said...

mistress dale, I have missed you child. I love your interactions with this crazy bitch. my favorite thing you said that literally made me scream with laughter was "the korean bagel lady said something that sounded like this" and a photo of a bunch of korean characters. you are so dark, child.

ps: your posture is perfect.
pss: I fucking hate flavored coffee, too.

Leonesse said...

Yay, Bagel Lady story!

cardiogirl said...

So funny. Loved this!

"Now you can bo me."

Chris said...

Languages are fun! Fun are languages.

One of my favorite moments, living in the 'hood of Sioux City, Iowa, was when my wife (born in Vienna, raised in Innsbruck) was trying to talk to our neighbor (an elderly Vietnamese man who speaks almost no Engrish) while the Hispanic kid from down the street was trying to translate.

"Vhat? Vhat did de man say? He vants to dong me beddy much?"

"No no no, greengo lady -- he wan you to Tango. Tango, greengo lady."

"I think he said 'Thank You!'" I hollered from across the street.

hapabukbuk said...

this was the awesomenest story EVER. i laughed out loud in a quiet room and received dirty looks. it was totally worth it.

Anonymous said...

So what did KLB give you for your birthday?????

Happy Birthday !!!!!!!

Dale said...

Glad I made you laugh Katie, I'm not nearly as dark as that strange brew she concocts!

I did it for you Leonesse!

I'll be by to bo you shortly CardioGirl.

That's pretty damned funny Chris, maybe we should get them all together now?

Dirty looks are almost always worth it Hapabukbuk.

Shhh Bluez, she doesn't have to know. Thanks!

julia said...

Everything Jewgirl said. And Happy Year of the Rat!

Old Lady said...

She wants you.

mellowlee said...

*cheesy comment post alert* Happy Hearts Day Dale. :O)

Jill said...

You start by flirting with her, and then it is mad love!! You better hurry up if you want to have a ton of little Korean Dale!

Dale said...

Happy Rat Year to you and yours Julia!

I'm not sure if it's her curse or mine Old Lady.

At least you didn't say Happy VD Mellowlee! Hope you had a nice day.

I don't want short stubby kids though Jill.

668 aka neighbour of the beast said...

oh, this post made me laugh out loud and cause my dog to give me that "are you insane" look.

Hahn at Home said...

I was totally going with "bone me."
Since I have fallen for the Korean Bagel Lady via your blog, I'm glad she did not get boned.

Dale said...

Is he a smart dog 668? Hope you had fun with Mellowlee at the big show!

The boning's not so bad H at H, it's the deboning that's tricky.