9/11/2006

Beepbeep Beepbeep

The bagel and coffee shop in my building is run by a cute little Korean lady who used to be there every day. Now she’s there occasionally because she’s off busy attending the charm school my mother runs.

Once when I was starting to grow a beard, she encouraged me on by asking me about it and then yelling at close range KEEP GOING! I took this to mean she approved of me showing a little less face.

I hadn’t seen her in many months and this was fine by me as the folks running the place now are kinder, gentler and make better coffee.

Today, I spied Our Second Lady of Tact back on her old perch and holding court with 4 or 5 customers. She saw me and waved me over with a big smile. I imagined she’d greet me as I got closer with a hearty How have you been? or a Long time no see! Nope.

--You’ve put on a lot of weight! What are you doing?

The other customers looked me up and down , something I generally encourage but was now taking longer than I felt necessary.

-Um, well I guess I’ve put on a few pounds since I quit smoking.

--Sure, 10 at least. I hope you lose 10 pounds before I come back next time.

-Haha, well, yes, I hope so too.

I started to back away and to my relief, didn’t hear that noise that accompanies those wide load trucks when they’re put in reverse.

I shouldn’t say it but I really hope she’s not back tomorrow.

I want a BLT bagel, extra bacon.

37 comments:

Yasamin said...

hahah @ your cute little Korean lady!! thats freakin hilarious! hahaaa. made me laugh out loud at work. now all my co-workers think im laughing in my cubicle while working...

your mom owns a charm school?


hahaha still laughing about the korean lady and the wide load reverse sounds hahaha

good times, good times.

Yasamin said...

hahah @ your cute little Korean lady!! thats freakin hilarious! hahaaa. made me laugh out loud at work. now all my co-workers think im laughing in my cubicle while working...

your mom owns a charm school?


hahaha still laughing about the korean lady and the wide load reverse sounds hahaha

good times, good times.

justacoolcat said...

Atleast your words are weightless.

Anomie-Atlanta said...

Low-fat yogurt for you! :)

Gretta James said...

Giving up smoking has it's benefits a few extra pounds here and there aren't necessarily a bad thing.

Gretta.

sKincarver said...

Dude...you have like the weirdest fucking daily encounters.

You can't make this shit up.

You should've told her, "Yes, and maybe you'll have douched by then. For a second I thought someone had ordered a squid latte".

Old Lady said...

Ah, 10 pound go away fast-CP told me that was Mama Gin's sister.

ziggystardust73 said...

that little korean lady is evil. Evil I tell you.

Beth said...

Want me to come up there and kick her kimchee a**, Dale?

Melinda June said...

Way to go, dale! Eat your feelings! Have two...they're small.

darling24_7 said...

Congrats on quitting smoking.

Bluez628 said...

I think its in their nature. One time at work , We had this vendor there selling clothes. I pick up a sweater she had for sale and held it up to myself, she comes running over and says "You not lodge you extrah lodge!"
Ziggy's right, Korean ladies can be evil.

shroom-monkey said...

ohh Dale I still think you are the hottest thing ever- even with the ten pounds....

I have a lady at my work like that, I came back from Maternity leave and she tells me, "awww you got fat" ummm I just had twins, I said, she comes right back at me, "it has been like 2 months you haven't lost a pound" what the fuck- people are rude....

chelene said...

Let's go to Italy and run up and down the Spanish Steps, Dale. That'll take the pounds (and years left of our lives) right off.

Dale said...

Hey Yasamin, glad you busted yourself at work, I love/hate it when that happens. Mom doesn't own a charm school but maybe she should?

I believe I can fly Coolcat. The broken bones prove otherwise.

I'm trying to be a little more concious Anomie-Atlanta. So before I eat the whole pizza, I think I really shouldn't.

Gretta James - I love your name. I want to eat it. And then smoke. I mean, thank you!

Skincarver, thanks for the snort. Squid latte? Yikes! I could make it up but then it wouldn't be true. She's actually a nice lady who can barely make herself understood except when she's hurling insults at me.

I'm not too worried Old Lady, I'm still within reason. Whatever that means.

She's not so evil Ziggy but thank you for putting up the defense shield.

Yes please Beth. But we'll just have a drink instead of getting you arrested and deported.

My feelings are small Melinda J? Oh, the bagels, yes they are. It's the bacon I want, maybe I'll just have a pound of that and call it a day.

Darling! Where have you been, darling? Thanks! I'm pretty happy I've stuck to it.

So you're saying Korean ladies always tell the truth Bluez? :-)

I'm always hot Shroomy, but once you get past the sweating, I'm quite nice. And slippery. Okay, I'm grossing myself out now.

A statement like Awwww you got fat is grounds! Stupid twits.

Dale said...

Chelene!! Do you have the tickets? Do I meet you in NYC? or in Rome? I'm so psyched for this and can't believe we're really doing it !!!! What?

Creepy said...

Make sure you hold the cheese on that bagel, tubby.

Echo said...

hmmm.....bacon....

Dale said...

But if I cut the cheese Creepy, all hope is lost isn't it? Haha, thanks for the support...prick.

Yes Echo, bacon.

Yasamin said...

lmmfao!! gracias amigo!

i love it when a man can give directions.
"you go here! read this! pay attention stupid!" its all hot. hahaha

and yea my freakin co-workers think I'm insane. I'm a baby compared to all the baby-boomers i work with.

Mob said...

This is precisely why I don't go to the same convienience store more than once or twice in a month, the familiarity can only breed morale-crippling insults.

Best to end any encounter with a clerk with something along the lines of "Yeah, yeah, can I have my fucking change please?"

Stick it to them before they stick it to you.

gizmorox said...

Hahaha - Our Second Lady of Tact

Once I get together enough smart people to take over the world, I'm totally stealing that to be our cult name.

Coaster Punchman said...

So glad to see you have your own Mrs. Swan. (Sorry, no relation to Mama Gin, OL - this woman sounds like she has far too many social skills to be MG's sister.)

I once had an excellent Korean store lady of my own. As you know, my real name is Tom, and I also had a roommate named Tom. Our Korean store lady loved the both of us sooooo much. Whenever I came into the store she would chat with me, and then as I was leaving she'd shout out "Say hi to another Tom!!"

Angela said...

Oh good lord, stuff like that makes me cringe. Asians are good at pointing out things in the middle of conversations.

My sister is shorter than me and more slender. Together we went into a Chinese dress shop to look for a silk gown. The shop owner said in Mandarin, "Are you two sisters? Wah, so different! She's the pretty one and you are built like the ox in the family!"

Yes, I am bigger than her, but last I checked I wasn't hauling loads on my muscular body or walking on all fours.

Dale said...

Then they're not so busy thinking you're insane as realizing they're aging Yasamin. Keep freaking them out.

I never take it too seriously Mob. For whatever reason, people feel the need to say the dumbest things to me. I look at it all as fodder. Dale, I am your fodder.

That's pretty hysterical CP. I swear that almost everything she says is unintelligible but when she's throwing her exhortations at me.

Angela, if it helps, you're pretty funny for a big limping and lumbering ox of a blogger! Poor baby.

X. Dell said...

That lady has to be cute. Otherwise someone would have killed her long ago.

n.v. said...

Dale, you're beautiful. Even if you are a hambone.

jin said...

Heeheehee!!!
Very very funny Dale.
I'm not laughing AT YOU, though.
I'm laughing WITH YOU!
:-D

Dale said...

She's 1 part cute, the rest obnoxious X. Dell. Her husband however, is worse. I'm surprised he's not been done in.

You're two of my favourite letters NV. Extra mustard on the hambone please.

The only problem is, I'm not laughing Jin. Alright, maybe I am.

Angela said...

Only from you Dale, do I take that as a compliment! :-)

blog Portland said...

Next time she shows sup, in a very concerned voice ask her, "What happened to your face? Are you alright?" When she seems puzzled, say "Oops, I mean, uh... nevermind."

On second thought, it's a bad idea to fuck with the people who make your food.

Berry said...

She shares the exact same tact as my MIL. I kid you not.

Jen said...

HAhhAHahAHAHA!!

Dale said...

Everything I do, I do it for you Angela. Okay, well that's not true but I don't want you kicking my ass too hard once you're back on form.

Very good Blog Portland, I may follow your first thought since I'm off the bagels anyway. I'm just using her for the occasional coffee (and only when she's not there).

I believe it Berry from a few of the things you'd posted about the mother in law.

Glad you're laughing Jen - feeling bettah?

katie schwartz said...

potd, she is a cum guzzling cunt whore. you are perfect and flawless just the way you are. god love ya for quitting smoking! I am so proud of you! you go, dalee-o. that is amazing.

Dale said...

Yes, I am perfect and yes, I would love a cigarette thank you!!!

katie schwartz said...

potd, I won't enable you. but, I will leave you with this delicious imagine: when you're 80, cigs will still be legal in canada and you can take a picnic basket filled with ciggys everywhere you go and smoke yourself into a frenzy!