If you suddenly found yourself pining for week old Barry Manilow, then it must be Tuesday and this is American Idol!
What a craptacular installment! Little Ryan Seabreeze and his legions of teeth gamely led the way but wowee, what an ass bunch of losers tonight. Can't they just randomly knock 7 of these people off and let the last 3 bitch slap each other for the title?
Lisa - Nice blue eye shadow, reminiscent of the good old Christina Aguilera whore paint days. Crap job.
The Pickler - Yer homespun honey shtick will go a long way when you're working all those State Fairs and sweating under a big set of fake character boobs at Dollywood. Crap job.
Ace. Hold him Ryan, he's shaking. And Paula? Please don't try to do Ace on live TV. Simon pulling you off his leg was fun to see though. Crap job.
Taylor. Now with more makeup! Michael McDonald, please stop kidding around and get off the show. I like this guy. He should just have a recording contract and be done with the show. Semi-crap job.
Mandisa. Did you say 'God is bigger'? Ain't no way God is bigger than your ass. Get back in black and sing I'm Every Woman every week. Crap job.
Chris. You got all yelly fast. I guess if I was shacked up with a hooker and all her kids, I'd be trying to yell my way out too. Semi-crap job.
Katharine. Did you say 'Christina Angulara'? I think you did. Points for trying to create a Pirates of the Carribean fun ride with your outfit but the judges were way off with their praise. Crap job.
Bucky. You didn't take an almighty dump this week. Good for you. Semi-crap job.
Paris. Ain't no flies on you, you flicked them all away with horse tail extensions. Still way too screeeeechy and not so bootylicious. Crap job.
Elliott. With teeth like an Orc and ears like a troll, you're a soulful dude stuck in a semi-white guy's body. You da man. Good job.
Other thoughts: Ever since Leno showed a montage on his show of Ryan being all cozy and touchy feely with the guys and standing about a mile away from all the girls, Ryan's made great strides in hiding his swish factor from America. He now shakes hands with the guys and holds the laydees close. Awww.
Paula - What was with the shiny puffy coke whore eyes?
Randy - getting Mariah Carey a Diet Coke once backstage at the Grammys does not mean you worked with her.
Simon - voice of reason, man with a head disproportionate to your body, keep laughing all the way to the bank.