3/28/2006

Craptaculicious

If you suddenly found yourself pining for week old Barry Manilow, then it must be Tuesday and this is American Idol!

What a craptacular installment! Little Ryan Seabreeze and his legions of teeth gamely led the way but wowee, what an ass bunch of losers tonight. Can't they just randomly knock 7 of these people off and let the last 3 bitch slap each other for the title?

Lisa - Nice blue eye shadow, reminiscent of the good old Christina Aguilera whore paint days. Crap job.

The Pickler - Yer homespun honey shtick will go a long way when you're working all those State Fairs and sweating under a big set of fake character boobs at Dollywood. Crap job.

Ace. Hold him Ryan, he's shaking. And Paula? Please don't try to do Ace on live TV. Simon pulling you off his leg was fun to see though. Crap job.

Taylor. Now with more makeup! Michael McDonald, please stop kidding around and get off the show. I like this guy. He should just have a recording contract and be done with the show. Semi-crap job.

Mandisa. Did you say 'God is bigger'? Ain't no way God is bigger than your ass. Get back in black and sing I'm Every Woman every week. Crap job.

Chris. You got all yelly fast. I guess if I was shacked up with a hooker and all her kids, I'd be trying to yell my way out too. Semi-crap job.

Katharine. Did you say 'Christina Angulara'? I think you did. Points for trying to create a Pirates of the Carribean fun ride with your outfit but the judges were way off with their praise. Crap job.

Bucky. You didn't take an almighty dump this week. Good for you. Semi-crap job.

Paris. Ain't no flies on you, you flicked them all away with horse tail extensions. Still way too screeeeechy and not so bootylicious. Crap job.

Elliott. With teeth like an Orc and ears like a troll, you're a soulful dude stuck in a semi-white guy's body. You da man. Good job.

Other thoughts: Ever since Leno showed a montage on his show of Ryan being all cozy and touchy feely with the guys and standing about a mile away from all the girls, Ryan's made great strides in hiding his swish factor from America. He now shakes hands with the guys and holds the laydees close. Awww.

Paula - What was with the shiny puffy coke whore eyes?

Randy - getting Mariah Carey a Diet Coke once backstage at the Grammys does not mean you worked with her.

Simon - voice of reason, man with a head disproportionate to your body, keep laughing all the way to the bank.

15 comments:

Reese said...

LOL, Dale. My prediction: the Pickler will win. The guy with the ears is good too, but I'm always worried those ears will start flapping and he's going to fly off-stage. Glad to see you're chronicling this mess. See you later!

Dale said...

I felt like being a smart ass so there you go. This is the first season I've seen of A. I. Just having a bit o' fun. I think it might end up between the bald guy Chris and the Posh Spice chich, Katherine. Who knows what havoc America will wreak?

A. Estella Sassypants said...

I would have to agree. A nuclear weapon landing in the middle of my living room would've been more pleasant than last night's AI crapfest.

Bucky needs to go. It should be an embarrassment to American that he's lasted this long.

Dale said...

Hi Andi...right you are. It's foregone that he's gone, the question is when. You can't spell Bucky without ucky. Okay, lame but so's he!

n.v. said...

LOL!

Holy shit, other bloggers found you. Andi rules and Reese Witherfork is hilarious. Her comments at 'Famous People' used to slay me (though I haven't caught her around in a while).

Dale, you rule.

n.v. said...

You're very perceptive, ya know? Good.

n.v. said...

I'm in love with Elliot Yamin. I have an ear for that thumping Motown-wannabe sound. Or else I just need to start dating again. Awwww, me so hworny! Me love you long time!

Dale said...

Dena, if you've got the ear for Elliott, could you let him have it? He's got 90% hearing loss or something doesn't he in the one ear? Good thing he's got that other good looking ear! He really is great. I bet he'd date you if you called him up, just hope he puts the phone up to his good ear.

Reese said...

Hey non-vocab,

Yeah, I used to read your comments at conversations/famous/people, too. I found another gossip blog I love more, but I still read DJ's blog now and then.

I'll check out your blog more often, too. See you later.

n.v. said...

Dale, don't tease me. Elliot is the kind of guy I'd go for in real life. He seems sweet and unassuming. And I don't think he is ugly -- what, just 'cause he doesn't look like that pansy Ace? Elliot is good-looking in my eyes. And goddamn, I'd love to have him sing "Do I Do" to me :)

n.v. said...

Witherfork, I'd be flattered if you checked me at all. Ex-oh.

Dale said...

He's one of the best on the show ears down, sorry, couldn't resist. He ain't so bad, I'm just funnin'. If you guys got together, could we combine your names maybe a la Brangelina?

My vote - non vocabuelliot

n.v. said...

non vocabyamin

Yamin is an interesting name. Sounds Jewish or otherwise Middle Eastern. What do you think?

Dale said...

I was thinking maybe Mid East but then again, I'm useless with that stuff. Your name choice is better but reminds me of something you might hear on ER or a Robitussin commercial.

n.v. said...

He's Jewish.