2/21/2007

Mr. Big Stuff

My Korean bagel lady is at it again. Remember her?

On approach at her counter this morning, she said ‘Hello Mr. Big Tummy’ which made me want to punch her. I laughed instead and offered my weak retort ‘You’re a mean woman’. And she said ‘Ah, yes, but you like’. Pleasantries taken care of, she clucked my order to the girl in the back. What’s the opposite of dulcet?

The girl in the back is a 60ish woman with a yellow neckerchief and a denim baseball cap on. She’s bringing sexy back. While she’s taking my bagel out of the toaster, she says something to my nemesis. Nemesis says to me ‘she talking about you, she like you, she think you handsome, she like old men’. 'In that case, I'll be back for sure'.

Although there’s no reason to, I blush, grab my food and take my leave.

Does anyone know where I can get a pair of Kim Jong Il glasses? I also need a few choice phrases I can yell in Korean for when I go back to scare the shit out of her.

30 comments:

Tenacious S said...

Hey, maybe you're the one bringing sexy back! Go get 'em, Tiger!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I'm pretty sure it's your mean Korean bagel lady who has the crush on you. She just has a twisted way of showing it.

Sadly the only Korean words I know are bi bim bop and kimchee, which shows you where my priorities lie.
But definitely get some Kim Jong Ill glasses - you would look so hot - and you could sing that song to her from Team America: World Police, the song about being ronery.

Beth said...

I'd get a crush on Kim Jong Dale.

Tanya Espanya said...

Why don't you post the real picture of yourself, Bumbleeman, and let people know that you ARE Korean, and the whole exchange was spoken in your native bagel?

Old Lady said...

Yea Baby, just that much more to luv!!!! Dale's bring sexy back!

Mob said...

Now, haven't we seen a fairly recent photo of you awhile back?

Nothing in that picture suggested that you'd be pulling 60 yr old Korean women, you looked pretty young.

Switch to Pop Tarts and let the bagels go, it's too much stress.

Chris said...

To answer your question a few antonyms listed for dulcet are: discordant, grating, unpleasant, inharmonious, and hostile. Hope that helps.

Malnurtured Snay said...

North Korea has a really nice Kim Jong Il halloween store.

Bluez628 said...

Kim Jong's got a rockin pair of sunglasses yanno!

Johnny Yen said...

"She like old men..." I think I'll nominate that one for back-handed compliment of the decade.

Echo said...

당신을 감사하십시오. 당신은 뜨겁다!

Echo said...

Um... That said: Thank you! You are hot!

Mistress La Spliffe said...

For an opposite of dulcet, I like 'klaxon'. That way you can imagine the voice sounding like an old car horn playing the annoying bars of annoying music of your choice.

Dale said...

I don't think it's me Tenacious S. But that rockin' kitty of yours might qualify.

You might be right Barbara. I'd love to sing that song for her, if I slick my hair back just right I think I can totally pull it off! Man, now I'm sad.

Hahaha, thank you Beth! When you ruv someone...

Native bagel, I like that! Must you give away all my secretions Tanya?

You're being too nice Old Lady. What do you want? :-)

Confessional time: Mob, I love Pop Tarts. It may be too many Pop Tarts that have caused my wiring to only attract the old Korean ladies. Good thing I'm not into manicures huh?

Chris, I didn't ask for words that pop into my head when I think of you, I wanted, oh...I see, thank you!

Can you pick me something up on your way home then Mal Snay?

Kim Jong does rock that look doesn't he Bluez?

Considering she's got a good 10 years on me Johnny Yen, it was a solid backhand!

Echo! What?

Echo! I was beginning to think you didn't even care!

I am going with Klaxon as my excellent word of the day Mistress La Spliffe! Thank you.

Jill said...

You blushing!?!?!? And because of an old lady?? Does Dale have a thing for older women??

Geeti Das said...

Sounds like someone lurrrrrves you, and I don't mean the girl in the back who's bringing sexy back, which, by the way, had me splitting my sides laughing.

Bubs said...

Greet her with a hearty "An-yung-ha-shim-ni-ka" and then break something, and stroll away.

Writeprocrastinator said...

Dale,

Tell her that you've got a jar of kim chee (fermented pickled cabbage) in your back yard and she'll be yours.

That, and "I know my garlic," will have you up to your neck in Seoul Sistas.

X. Dell said...

(1) Sorry, but my Korean is limited to what I learned in Tae Kwan Do.

(2) Are you sure there aren't any other bagel shops you can go to?

(3) I take it you didn't see any hidden cameras. But just in case, I'll look out to see if some Candid Camera rip-off has a bagel shop prank going.

RC said...

that's pretty funny...yea, you've gotta play with her for sure.

Learn some korean man!

Coaster Punchman said...

Maybe you should do like Elaine and bring in a spy who will tell you what they're really saying.

Dale said...

I've got a thing for everyone Jill.

Everytime I make you laugh Geeti, an angel trips over his wings.

I'm all for breaking stuff and walking away Bubs but what does it mean?

Check it out now, the funk Seoul Sister! I was laughing at Chancelucky describing the Asian guy on American Idol as a Seoul brother. I wish I'd thought of that.

Teach me some good moves and yells X. Dell and I'll put on a show for whichever Funt child might now be at the helm. There are other shops but none where I get the same love.

I may sign up for some lessons yet RC.

It might be too awful for me to hear CP. Being insulted in English is one thing...

"jew" "girl" said...

that is so funny, daleish! what a snatch on wheels. "neckerchief"?! rolling, bubbie.

Dale said...

Haha, who's the snatch on wheels? Me or her? That's my phrase of the day Katie!

Shroom-Monkey said...

awww that is some funny shit... I am still laughing.. I need to get a job there so I can harass the shit out of you....

ohhh wait, I can do that from my comfy chair right here.... ya know I luva luva you Dale...

still waiting on the lube.... what the hell is taking you soo long??

Dale said...

You answered your own question sort of Shroomy....long...lube...

Valerie said...

Bwahahahahaha!

You could start calling her "Harmony." It's the Korean word for Grandma.

I don't know if that'd be an insult to her though...

good luck.

Dale said...

I'm going to remember that Valerie and save it for a very special occasion! Thanks!

Anonymous said...

this is the funniest entry in a blog i have read in over six months. i don't know who you are, and i don't care, but you made me laugh out loud. i just had to reread your post to belly-laugh again! thanks!

Dale said...

I'm here to help Anonymous. Glad you enjoyed it.