Jacy and the Sunshine Band

Jacy helps run a blog called Reject The Kool Aid that takes aim at a number of things like the much maligned Crocs sandals phenomenon, invisible deodorant and the art of falling apart. When mommy bloggers cry out for help, Jacy and Tearfree answer the call but then quickly hang up and start writing.

While she may hold the land email speed record for replying to my interview questions, Jacy had to wait until I got around to posting them; I'm lazy and let's face it, we can't all be her. Here are my questions and her answers.

1. Your current avatar is Elizabeth Montgomery who famously played a witch with a twitching problem and Lizzie Borden, someone with an axe to grind. Prior to that, you were poor Charo, meethundertood only when she spoke. I applaud your championing of the disabled but if you were to choose a male celebrity avatar to represent you, who would it be and why?

There are so many male celebrities I would choose as avatars -- and still might -- that I could go on and on. But here's just a start: Don Rickles. Paul Lynde. Charles Nelson Reilly. Burt Reynolds in his Cosmo pose. Flip Wilson. All of them would be chosen for their camp factor. Don Rickles? No one more insultingly funny. Paul Lynde? Uncle Arthur was such a deliciously snide little bitch on Bewitched. Charles Nelson Reilly really made the Match Game. Burt Reynolds turned me onto hairy-chested men at a disturbingly young age -- eight! And Flip Wilson for Geraldine alone.

2. Reading your post about dating and the description of the Steve Lawrence guy, I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry so I did both. If Steve had thrown in Eydie Gorme, would that have sweetened the deal at all? What other celebrity twosome would you 'date' if you could?

You know, that arse Steve Lawrence wooed and wooed me and then dropped off the face of the Earth all of a sudden after telling me he was getting theatre tickets for us and would call in a couple of days. I actually think he WAS married! So this is a fitting question. Okay -- definitely NOT Brangelina. But most certainly Seal and Heidi Klum, Kevin Bacon and Kyra Sedgwick, Joanne Woodward and Paul Newman, Mark Ruffalo and his French wife, Ewan McGregor and his French wife, Johnny Depp and HIS French wife, and George Clooney and whatever skinny skanky lingerie model he's dating right now.

3. You're the only person I've ever seen adapt the magical word Schadefreude and you did it in relation to that cringeminge Paris Hilton, bone-us points! Are there any words that you cannot abide? Disqualified are 'panties' or the 'c' word (woefully underused I think).

I love the C-word and think it should be much more widely used but RTK is a family blog. My girlfriends and I actually call one another: C**ty C**t. As in: "Hello, C**ty C**t." Or: "Don't be such a c**ty c**t." There are very few swear words that I don't like, in fact, although I cannot abide the word "pussy" to describe the ladyparts -- so porny. What I hate these days are things like LOL, RFMLFAO or whatever the hell that is -- all those made-up Internet acronymns that you are actually hearing people use in speech. I hate some expressions these days more than I hate the actual words, and some of them seem to stem from the Net. Here's a new one that I cannot abide: True dat. As in: "That Paris Hilton -- she is the biggest skank in Skankville." Reply: "True dat." Huh??!?? Do you mean "I agree?" And I hate when people make up words to express emotion in their writing: like Gaaaa! or Arrrgggghhh! or even Phew!!!! Laziness!

4. The google ads at the bottom of your blog right now include one for Bald Women. If you were bald (are you?) and had to choose between rocking the look or consigning yourself to wearing hats, which would it be? In a related vein, would you let Carmindy from What Not To Wear anywhere near your face with her makeup palette? She does a mean smoky eye I hear.

I would no sooner walk around bald than I'd walk around naked. Hats, wigs, weaves, plugs, etc. -- I'd do it all. I really pity men who lose their hair. As for Carmindy: That is a serious fantasy of mine because at my age, I am really not sure if I can get away with the smoky eye anymore. And I desperately need red lipstick advice because it's back in but I have full lips and look like a blow-up doll when I wear it. Carmindy is the Makeup Goddess, although I am tired of her pushing the Crest Whitestrips on everyone these days due to product placement requirements.

5. This is the part where I offer unsolicited advice to you free of charge Jacy: 1) Read my blog every day and 2) if you do go for the nose job, remember to donate the extra bits to the homeless, they like to feel pretty too. Your friends seem to thrive by making comments and providing advice on life and how to live it. I'm guessing your shrink does the same thing. Which is the costlier proposition?

I actually do check your blog every day and you are a lovely writer! As for advice, yes, I get lots, both professional and non-professional, and I desperately need it. I am quite lost and fractured since the split -- I actually posted a picture of my knockers in a bra in a deranged moment of bitterness about my ex and his erstwhile love of my hooters -- and then knocked it down because it seemed so wrong. God!! I hope Jennifer Aniston is reading this right now and soon posts a comment to your blog that says: "I've been a fan of Jacy's for years. Her goodness just emanates from her, and I just love how much she's doing for the spinning movement around the world. I love her! May she pedal towards a lifetime of happiness on her Schwinn spin bike!"

I'm sure Jen will at least send me an email Jacy as she doesn't often comment out in the open like that. Thanks for taking the time to sit down without me and crack these nuts open.