9/22/2007

Fire House

A few nights ago while on the back deck reading John Waters' Shock Value (A Tasteful Book About Bad Taste) , it must have been more than God could resist. Out stepped my neighbor Honeypot in a halter top and shorts and she quickly set to work building a fire.

It seemed fitting (unlike her apparel) that not only was it the warmest day we'd had in a while but that the the big news of the day was the mayhem being caused by a five alarm fire raging in the city.

I ignored her as best I could until I heard someone calling out "Hey, want some wood?". No, it wasn't a new paramour for our Honeypot but the neighbor on the other side of her fence. "I've just cut up a bunch of wood and you could have some for your fire!" he said a little too excitedly. "Sure, that'd be great", she answered, her cottage cheese thighs quivering in antici.......well, you get it.

Woody lives with his mother, an ever intriguing prospect when you're over the age of 40 and have your own wagon that you still pull around town. He poked his head around the back end of the lattice topping the fence that usually separates them and began handing over freshly cut wood. I've little doubt he's clearing away some of the forestation in his back yard to prepare a plot for his mother's final resting place although it could just be that he wants a better view of Honeypot's Emporium.

As the flames threatened to lick the leaves of the innocent willow tree trying to enjoy the last blush of summer, they chatted, she adjusted her halter and I went in to check my fire extinguisher.

Oddfellows Local 151 mp3 - R.E.M.

30 comments:

Jacy said...

There is short story in here about Honeypot and Woody. You can expand. Have Woody go crazy and kill Honeypot, or vice versa. Mommy can be up in the attic shrieking down like in Psycho.

Beth said...

My honeypot emporium could use a fire extinguisher.

Good song at the end. New band?

Beth said...

quivering in antici.......

I read this in the Tim Curry-as-Dr. Frank-N-Furter voice, and finished off the PA-tion.

Barbara Bruederlin said...

I did the same thing, Beth!

Dale I think you are a wee bit jealous that Woody got to Honeypot first.

Chris said...

You're gonna need that fire extinguisher to put out the burning love that is bound to ignite between those two. Maybe he can give her wagon rides.

Suzel's Sass said...

I'm thinking Woody was hoping that the fire would melt off her clothes. I guess he wants to see another naked woman besides mama.

Bubs said...

See, Dale, the difference between us is that I would've been over there with a bottle of Everclear, some Pabst Blue Ribbon and extra gasoline for the fire.

You know, if someone is going to put on quality performance art for your benefit the least you can do as an audience member is participate.

Bella Rossa said...

Halter tops are not just for the waify among us, Dale. Don't be size-ist. Hang on, I'm ordering some Oreo Cakesters from Peapod and some microminis from American Apparel. I hope this doesn't freeze my browser.

BeckEye said...

It's only a matter of time before the worldly Honeypot gets the 40 year-old virgin in her greasy clutches. You need to get your voyeur-cam set up immediately. I don't know if PornoTube offers profit-sharing like YouTube, but it's worth a shot.

Margo Moon said...

Did it not occur to you that Red Wagon Man might, just might, have thought it presidential to be outside clearing brush? RWM may be considering a political career here. And maybe, just maybe, Honeypot is his conception of the ideal woman to have standing by his side when he makes his first acceptance speech.

Just sayin'

And, echoing Beth. PA-tion.

Dale said...

I'm waiting until I'm sure he's killed his mother first Jacy. I haven't seen her or her bundle buggy anywhere but he's whistling and chopping day in, day out.

Yes, it's a new band with a tough to spell name Beth, you might like them. I'm glad you Frank n Furted your way through that. I was watching Kath & Kim the other day and Kath started to say anticipation but broke midway for a drag off her cigarette before finishing.

Always the bitter bridesmaid am I Barbara.

I'm ready for almost anything to come out of all that smoke Chris. He'll give her rides but I'm not sure the wagon can support them both.

Yes Suzel, how many times can he spy on Momma before it gets old? or she does?

One man's disdain is another man's opportunity Bubs, go get her!

It froze my brain a little but the heat from Honeypot's fire thawed me right back out Bella. Everyone's a little bit sizist, no?

Greasy clutches Beckeye? You've been spying on her yourself haven't you. I've definitely thought of video blogging her, you'll help pay for the lawyer right?

His vocabulary seems to be at least as expansive as George W's Margo Moon. Nancy Reagan had cow eyes, Honeypot's a bit of a heifer, it could work! I'll watch this even more closely now.

Writeprocrastinator said...

I agree, with Jacy, this is New Yorker Magazine worthy. A Cheever, except for the middle-class Toronto set.

The things I'm wondering about is:

1) Isn't Honeypot even half-worried about her polyester animal prints catching on fire?

2) Did Woody never have a driving license, or was it taken away from DUIs?

pistols at dawn said...

My new favorite description of anyone ever: "when you're over the age of 40 and have your own wagon that you still pull around town."

Well played. And it's nice to know I've got a few more years to play with my wagon before I fit that description.

Bluez said...

you said wood. heh

I think you secretly lust after HP

Coaster Punchman said...

You pull for me Dale, and I'll pull for you. CP

Marloes said...

It's only now (shit happens when you add links to your post) that I realize you live in Toronto or there abouts. I have an album with my Toronto photographs somewhere (MSN?..photobucket?). I'll re-post them at flickr so you can see I've been there, done that
Now, it's time to go out. My haltertop and I could do with some sun. (no, no pictures)

Allison said...

I think I found Honeypot's UK doppleganger. She lives a few doors down from me. I won't be able to spy with the agility you do, but I will be sure to observe any crazy antics.

Jill said...

Ever thought of writting a book about your neighbourdhood??

Dale said...

We have a middle class here WP? I'll have to look down my nose and see for myself! She's definitely flammable no matter what she wears and I think she's set him on fire too!

It's okay for the younger 30something crowd to play like that Pistols although I would like a photo just for reference.

Maybe I just wish she'd spend a little more time on me Bluez, is that so wrong?

There's no way to answer that CP without sounding dirty. I like that song too though.

I do live thereabouts Marloes, a little north, a little nicer as they say. Yes, I'll need proof of everything. I am a doubting Dale.

It sounds like there's a worldwide network Allison, perhaps too many to defeat unless we organize.

Wait until I tell you about the guy on the other side of me Jill, you might start writing your own book.

X. Dell said...

Thanks for the link.

I don't think Woody's interested in Honeypot, but the John Waters' book is on my pile.

Dale said...

I don't think I am either X. Dell but people like to link people don't they? I knew John Waters was a bit trashy but not this trashy! I love it when people are honest enough to shock me.

T said...

A wagon, a willow, a fire, and then a burnin' bush. All the makings of a new biblical verse, -but not in the Bible, please...

PinkFluffySlippers said...

Honeypot is my new idol. If only I could let myself go to hell like that, and still have the nerve to wear a halter top. And it's clearly working for her.

Dale said...

It's all too sordid for a bible tale T. I'm going to sell it to HBO instead.

She gets a lot of action Pink Fluffy. Do you want me to send her to your blog?

Jill said...

Dale, don't you think I have something better than writting about your life?

Dale said...

No, Jill, I don't. Just write it already.

Jill said...

Don't you know that I don't take orders??

Dale said...

Jill? DO IT!

Jill said...

Do it yourself!!

Dale said...

I'll think about it.