J.C. Who?

Katie Schwartz posted a hilarious essay on what she'd do if Jesus showed up at her door. She's linked to the chosen people who've also welcomed him in. I never want anything to come between me and my favourite Jew that we can't eat our way through so I offer an attempt to address the question myself.

Jesus is the one with the x-ray vision right? Just before he rang my doorbell (I prefer when people knock), he'd be bound to see me scurrying for a few quick sprays of my Believe in God Instantly Faith Enhancing Breath Spray. Mmminty!

There's nobody at the door. I guess the spray doesn't work.

If he had shown up, I'm pretty sure he'd look like Phil Hartman in a bedsheet and I'd try and be cute and call him HeyZeus! and he'd just hover there unimpressed. I'd invite him in praying he didn't pick my favourite chair to sit in but you know he would.

I'd be terrible with the small talk and ask So, what do you think of Christopher Hitchens' new book God is not Great: How Religion Poisons Everything? He'd look down, pick a piece of fluff off of his robe and drop it right on my freshly vacuumed area rug.

I'd say, oh hang on, I'll put on some music. I Been Redeemed.mp3 by Meryn Cadell* would start playing and midway through, he'd stand up and poof! disappear. I'd laugh and call out Come back anytime Jesus! You're a helluva guy!

*Meryn's cd Angel Food for Thought has been re-released and it's about time. On the track above, she accompanies herself as she did when she would perform it live, with a tape recorder playing back her own voice. I love you Meryn!


"jew" "girl" said...

believe in god with insta-god-breath. if that isn't hilar squared, I don't know what is.

daleish, perfect-fabulous-hilar-loved it!!! phil hartman as jesus. omg, too funny!!!

Barbara Bruederlin said...

You can bet Jesus will always snark your favourite chair. He deserves to be owned by Meryn Cadell.

I'm glad to hear he's released the cd. I've really missed her on the music scene. Brilliant and subversive.

The Freelance Cynic said...

What do we do with this jesus mania, miricle wonderman, stealer of chairs...

Dale said...

That's actually a photo I took, I enjoy limited amounts of Jesusabilia Katie.

It'd be great if Meryn released a new CD sometime. I hope they get to the other few cds he released too.

We just let it be, unless it gets too close to home I guess F.Cynic.

Fearless said...

This post has taught me one thing:

Jesus is boring as fuck!

Dale said...

I know Fearless, after I read it myself, I dunno, Jesus is just alright with me. No big whoop.

X. Dell said...

Schwartz's essay is hilarious, although I didn't quite understand why Christ would come to her place to jerk off. And if He did, why not take a sample for DNA testing?

A lot of people around here have been taking that Faith Enhancing Breath Spray. It smells like onions.

Saviour Onassis said...

I LOVE LOVE LOVE that Meryn Cadell album. Thanks for the tip. I need me some food for thought right now, not to mention a fresher mouth!

Dale said...

She's a scream for sure X. Dell. I'm not sure why JC'd do that either but you know, he works in mysterious ways. As for the breath spray, mine is mint in package.

Glad to help Saviour, I ordered a new copy myself. You should have a look at Meryn's blog sometime. http://meryncadell.livejournal.com/