And Now Your Feature Presentation

My favourite funny Jewess Katie Schwartz posted a movie meme that I enjoyed so I've taken it and modified it slightly.



1. Popcorn or candy? It starts out with popcorn and then I lose interest and switch over to candy. It's usually not until I leave the theatre that I realize my pants are covered in 'topping'.

2. Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever. The Passion of Joan of Arc. I have it, I just haven't gotten to it. Making out with cookies takes up a lot of my time and some things just give way.

3. You are given the power to recall one Oscar. Who loses theirs and to whom? Julia Roberts has to personally hand over the one she got for Erin Brockovich to Ellen Burstyn for Requiem For A Dream. I liked both films but there's no question about who gave the better performance.

4. Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe. The costume from Batman Begins – that comes with the body right?

5. Your favorite film franchise is....Lord of the Rings. The way they doled it out was franchise like. Did I just cheat?

6. Invite five living movie people over for dinner. Who are they? Why'd you invite them? What do you feed them?

First of all, before any successful dinner party, I think there should be a little mix and a mingle...

i) Hey, Darren Aronofsky! Come on in! Although I wasn 't a big fan of it, here's some Pi for you. Tell me a little about what it was like to work with Hubert Selby Jr. and adapt his brilliant novel into your fantastic film Requiem For A Dream. And what’s up with your new one, The Fountain?

If he started getting too intense, I’d introduce him to

ii)John Cameron Mitchell – sitting there eating his licorice drops and jelly roll. Hey John, Hansel needs some sugar in his bowl, heh heh. Tell us all about the pressures of following up your huge indie Hedwig success like and sell us on the idea of seeing Shortbus.

When the talk about sex starts to get boring (it eventually will), I’d have to turn and say, Have you met…

iii)Catherine O’Hara? – She’s just waiting for the mac and cheese to finish baking. We’d laugh and talk about how weird the business is and how I simultaneously believe she should be film’s most successful comedienne ever but am glad she’s not because then she’d be all weird and wouldn’t come to my parties anymore.

It would be hard tearing myself away but how can you be rude and not say hello to…

iv)George Clooney – He’s the only other person on earth aside from your humble host who looks that great in a tux. Still got that silly pig at the villa George? Cancel the chops, George’ll just share Catherine’s mac and cheese. He’s so down to earth.

Just as we were all getting really comfortable and relaxed, in walks...

v)Bjork! She never shows up! Quick - order some Fjallagrasamjólk! I always seem to run out of Icelandic Moss Soup at the wrong time. What’s that dear? You want to recreate the death scene from Dancer in the Dark again? Surely you must have another party trick or two up your sleeve? Why don’t you tell us all about your upcoming projects (and try not to scare the other guests)?

When I reflect back on that night and realize that I forgot to invite the adorable Amy Sedaris, I’ll be inconsolable until she calls and invites me to one of her shindigs proving once and for all, she’s the bigger man and the better hostess.

7. What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cellphones in the movie theater? No more anytime minutes ever.

8. Choose a male and a female bodyguard from a film: Neo from The Matrix; The Bride from Kill Bill

9. What's the scariest thing you've ever seen in a movie? The spiderwalk that Regan does in The Exorcist (an extra scene that was added to recent dvd releases)

10. Your favorite genre (excluding "comedy" and "drama") is....documentary especially if it deals with music.

11. You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year. How do you wield this power? I would give directors, writers and performers with experimental ideas the budgets to help them realize their vision. Could it be any worse than the thousands of cookie cutter projects that get the go ahead all the time?

12. If Jesus were to submit a synopsis of a documentary about life in America since 9/11, what would his p.o.v. be? I think he’d start with a ‘What I Was Doing That Day’ segment and then go straight into a Paradise Lost and Regained thing.

13. Down in front all you troublemakers - I'd really like to see every damned one of you do this quiz and post it on your blog. If you don't, I'm calling an usher like the ones we used to have when I was a kid - no fucking around, big flashlight, not afraid to use it.