Notion Sickness

My friend asked me to get up early and take a ride downtown to photograph a building his company is doing some work on. I set the coffee maker to brew at an ungodly hour and while it kept its end of the bargain, I slumbered on past the time I should have been heading out the door. I barely had time for a quick cup and thought to myself, it's times like these when a fella could really use a travel mug.

The reason for the early trek into town was that today is a big charity hoo-ha day in the city.

There are all sorts of fun runs and walks going on like the AIDS walk and the Terry Fox run. I support charities to the point of handing over cash enough to quell my conscience but the rest of the time, I'm like the Sarah Jessica Parker character in The First Wives Club. I fell in love a little when I heard her ask about a benefit that was underway -- Is it just a lot of battered women dancing?

You see, I want to help more, I want to be hands on, get up close and personal and really make a difference. But then someone like this bum shows up.

Come on man, don't you own a mirror?

I can't work with someone who's not willing to take care making sure their pants are the right length.

Doesn't everyone know that the cornerstone of civilization starts with the pants?

Some people clearly are just not worth helping.


katie schwartz said...

oh wait, so that's not you?

just kidding.

unless you're a ragining insomniac, you have no business being awake at the crack of your ass on a sunday morning.

that's cruel.

Old Lady said...

The short pants are in fashion now. Anything one does to help others is a good thing. I just think that goofey clothes should not be worn at work. I hate it when all these kids at work wear their pants around their ankles. It it not to dress code, but no one makes them wear pants with belts at their waists! Argh!

shroom-monkey said...

noo shit!!! as a wee college student I spent all my time volunteering for different outfits to ensure my successful merge into the workforce. I volunteered for Healthcare for the Homeless for 2 years and had my nose broken 2x by the same looney fucker. I got pissed the 2nd time, punched him back and then my boss for trying to pull me off of him- I hate bleeding hearts and the homeless- they should all be put in a meat grinder, ground to bits and made into dog food!

Anonymous said...

I have donor fatigue...I'm so over the cancer, the homeless, the irritable bowel syndrome.

Okay, I get it, you're sick, you live under a broken futon in the Don Valley with your three-legged mutt and your ass is on fire, but come on!

Don't people know I'm trying to organize a basement renovation and a trip to Vegas over here? And we're still paying off our cruise to South America in March, the trip to New York in May, the trip to California in August, so stop asking me for money!

Besides, aren't Bill Gates, Warren Buffett and John Wood already taking care of everything, so I don't have to?!

And Dale? Just who is this 'friend'? You have no friends! Just me! And I don't recall this trip today!

Bubs said...

Come on Dale, that's just some aging hipster trying out his new man-pris. The Tom Waits porkpie worn at a rakish angle is a dead giveaway.

Dale said...

I'm just glad the crack of his ass wasn't on display as he walked by Katie. I know, I hate getting up early although I do anyway. I'm retarded.

I want to club them all like so many baby seals Old Lady.

Wow, Shroom Monkey for president. Of the Homeless People's Association!

It's where I secretly spend my money Tanya, buying friends and then forgetting to mention them to you.

Hilarious Bubs, he does look a bit like that from the back but if you'd seen him from the front - different story. Poor old feller. I guess I shouldn't have kicked him.

chelene said...

I think that might be my short-pants man!

By the way, what part of town is that? I want to be sure to avoid it when I visit. It looks like every other store front is either a liquor store or a halfway house.

jin said...

Oh...lol...woops! I thought it was you, too! Heehee! ;-)

katie schwartz said...

dale, I love your blog :) it takes me to my happy place.

mellowlee said...

Wow, and the shoes go so well with the outfit ;P
As far as charities go, I volunteer for hospice visits, and donate a few dollars a year to the SPCA. We have many panhandlers around, and there are a few who love to hang around the entrance to Safeway. Sometimes I give them fruit I just bought in the store. I'm sure I will have a peach or banana flung at me sometime in the future, but oh well. I can't imagine running for a charity. I won't even run for the bus.

Mob said...

The wife always gets fished into the hands on volunteer stuff, I have a party line attitude of "write them a check", but find myself getting drawn into her reindeer games periodically.

But never at some ungodly hour on a Sunday, wow, you got hosed on that deal my friend.

X. Dell said...

Maybe he went through a sudden growth spurt--obviously from all the free meals granted to him from charity.

Gretta James said...

Those pants are ridiculously short I think you should have helped him anyway though. You should have either told him to get longer pants or bought some for him. That poor elderly person must have cold ankles. :(. I have to admit the pants are baaaaaddd but I love that hat.


Dale said...

I thought of you and your post about the short pants bathroom guy Chelene when I saw this character but I assure you he was not extraordinarily handsome.

And not to worry, I'm having this part of town revitalized for your visit and this guy will be given the bum's rush.

I'm not that hip although I'm thinking of taking up hats. But only on Sunday Jin.

Katie! Thanks, I didn't recognize you without Blair from Facts of Life and the C word in tow!! Your blog makes me snort. Cocaine I mean.

Haha, a woman after my own heart Lee, I don't run for anything either. And after you give the fruit out, you should randomly duck as you move away.

You're a good man for writing the cheques Mob. But if the missus is forcing you into the reindeer games, I hope she's at least helping you unload that sleigh at night.

Exactly, we're feeding these kids too much X. Dell!

I did buy him some clothes later in the day but then he wasn't at my house when I got home with all my packages so screw him Gretta. Wow, these pants look really great on me.

Yasamin said...

Once i made the effort to sign up for the Breast Cancer Awareness walk/run thing. Cancer scares the hell out of me due to personal reasons and so i thought i would do my part.

That Saturday morning i woke up 2 hours after the walk was finished. OOPS. yea so ... thats that i guess.

I know as humans, we dont give a shit about our fellow man and that saddens me. almost as much as knowing that my own ass is too lazy to help.

Coaster Punchman said...

Tell me about it. I used to sleep next to the homeless once a month at the Quaker meeting I attended. I got George to do it with me, until he demurred for fear of catching scabies from the communal blankets. Ewww.

holly said...

The first time I tried to see this photo (on my home computer, connected to the dubya dubya dubya by dialup), it wouldn't load.

So I drove all the way in to the office today, even though I could have stayed home, just to look at what you posted here.

And now that I've seen it, I feel dirty, tainted, and ritually unclean, as if I'd had a whole series of gross tests performed on me by aliens.

I can only hope that guy is an alien himself, because as you say, there is no excuse for that.


Dale said...

Don't be sad Yasamin, just set your alarm next time.

I wouldn't risk scabies for a bowl of oatmeal either CP! :-)

I would almost attend a benefit to get you off the dial up at home Holly. Maybe Yasamin and I can sync up and get working on this? The next time I see him, I'll tell him what he did to you and do some tests and get back to you.

katie schwartz said...

"Katie! I didn't recognize you without Blair from Facts of Life and the C word in tow!!"

omg, dale, I'm a brand! right? hahahahahahahahahhaha. and I'm flattered. is that ok?

true coke whores do lines on chicks nips.

Yasamin said...

I sleep right through the alarm. Nick has to kick me in the gut to get me up for work every morning. its ritual now. lol

Dale said...

Everyone likes the smell of their own brand don't they Katie Scwartzenegger? I'm going to say your titty twister 5 times fast and see what happens.

Yasamin, your Nick sounds so tender and loving; I'm glad he's there with a well placed kick when you need him.

Angela said...

HEY!!! That's my UNCLE!!!

I told him not to leave the house dressed like that, but the cocksucker didn't listen to me. I told him someone might snap his picture, just as you did here. Serves the idjiot right.

Thanks, Dale!

Dale said...

You're uncle's a snappy dresser for a bum Angela. Let's hope he passed some of that on to you huh? Get the hat at least.