Dr. Zibbs at That Blue Yak and Esther from Gratuitous Violins (fairly) recently tagged me to disclose some weird things about myself.

In the interests of public safety and avoiding criminal prosecution, I've limited myself to a few things you may or may not find marginally interesting that may or may not involve me.  Let it never be said that I'm afraid of a disclaimer!  Here we go...

I'm afraid of disclaimers.  Perhaps 'general unease' is a better descriptor but each time I hear a medication being pushed on a television commercial and the voiceover says something during the laundry list of warnings like "may cause some forms of cancer", I feel sick.  My other favourite is "...and in some cases, death".  Come on you big chicken! It's only some cases!

Today I learned I know someone who owns one of those creepy dolls Marie Osmond sells.  These dolls make me fear Mormons for more than just the usual reasons.  He and his wife had seen Marie hawking a doll with the same name as their daughter and impulsively bought it from a home shopping channel.  Their daughter,  thankfully, showed better judgment in not wanting to even take the creature out of its box and it remains there to this day.  Next occasion, go for the Paper Roses instead.

Once after a physical exam, my doctor remarked that my heart rate seemed low.  She asked if I was very athletic as athletes often have lower than usual heart rates at rest.  I said 
"come on Doc, you've seen me naked" and she laughed much longer than necessary.  It turned out that I have a slightly enlarged heart, something not always evident in my day to day dealings with people.

Cold cuts creep me out, please don't serve them to me.  Unless I've sliced it myself, I always think it's some pressed together mixture of dread.  That said, I will eat a submarine sandwich on occasion possibly because the bread hides the fear.  Any food larger than I think it should be, a giant tomato say, also makes me worry that we fuck a little too much with nature.

I've never been comfortable disclosing whether I'm a Wilma or a Betty man.

While I'm far too scared to read through my blog, it occurred to me after writing this post that all my posts could be about fear.  Years ago, reading through a story in a Twilight Zone magazine, one line stood out and has remained with me since.  "We're all afraid because none of us knows where we're going".  There might be something to that.


Dr Zibbs said...

Please get over your fear of eating cold cuts.

Falwless said...

I own 37 Marie dolls. It's not creepy, though, because I've placed them in various locations throughout the house. It's not like all 37 of them are staged on my living room coffee table. Any longer.

LegalMist said...

Falwless, you're scaring me...

Les Becker said...

You know, Dale, I think a lot of you - and a lot of THINGS of you - but it never once occurred to me to put "fear" in the same basket as the Kitten Mitten Guy.


Unknown said...

I have no idea what to comment on in this post - it was a slice of awesome!


Some Guy said...

When it comes to the Wilma/Betty debate, my question is why choose? It's much more fun to imagine them together in a gentle embrace.

Clearly I need help.

Melinda June said...

Cold cuts are the goat's cheese of the meat world. Pleh.

Anonymous said...

I love cold cuts. So send all meat trays you may receive my way.

Chris the Hippie said...

Betty. Is there any question? Betty.

Doc said...

"come on Doc, you've seen me naked"

Well no I haven't, but it might make for a nice audio post. "Naked Stories By Naked Dale" would really pull in the listeners. Just don't sit on anything scratchy while you record it.

Wilma or Betty? Betty is the hotter of the two, easy.

"We're all afraid because none of us knows where we're going" I think that is going to stick with me too.


Jenny Jenny Flannery said...

I'm with you on the cold cuts fear, Dale. Creeeeeepy. And I always knew your heart was large...it happened that one year when you took all the gifts from Whoville and they still were happy...your heart grew three sizes that day.

Me. Here. Right now. said...

Thanks to the link Coaster Punchman - I'm lovin' it.

I'm totally Wilma-loving all the way.

Anonymous said...

I'd pick Wilma. She's a hottie.

Falwless: Holy crap! All of a sudden you got creepy! No, wait, you were before.

katrocket said...

I fear Spam (the canned meat) and any kind of paté, so I can relate. Regrettably it's cost me some friendships. Don't let it happen to you, Dale.

Cormac Brown said...

Dolls are creepy, says this guy...who happens to collect minature cars.

You know you have a big heart Dale, so sez all the cats.

Wilma, dude...strawberry fields forev...nevermind.

Finally, David Byrne told you a long time ago and somehow you've forgotten, "we're on a road to nowhere."

Barbara Bruederlin said...

Suddenly mormon guys don't look so hot anymore. I'm going for Fred or Barney instead now.

Gifted Typist said...

You're not nearly as weird as I though you were

Joe said...

"I will eat a submarine sandwich on occasion possibly because the bread hides the fear."

I will always think of this line now, whenever I walk into a Jimmy John shop.

I always figured you were big-hearted.

Allison said...

I feared cold cuts even when I did eat meat. Now, they are terrifying. Although less than hotdogs.

Anonymous said...

What if Marie made dolls of both Wilma and Betty, each holding a tray of cold cuts? How would you feel then?

Anonymous said...

p.s. I do like the idea of buying two of those Marie little boy groom dolls and two little girl bride dolls and using them to create some sort of ad protesting both the passage of Prop 8, as well as the marriage of pre-pubescents. What, it's not OK for same sex adults to marry, but it's OK for eight-year-olds to get hitched? That's sick.

Dale said...

Why Dr. Zibbs, why? Just what sort of doctor are you by the way?

There are way more than 37 Falwless, why are you slacking? Can't you commit to anything?

She has long scared me LegalMist. Oh, and hello!

You're not scared of me shaving my cat for your winter needs Les but you worry? Cold cuts are slimy and baby Jesus would not approve, I'm sure of it.

Thanks JDC, you did the right thing.

I wish I'd thought of that Chris! You don't need help, I need your help.

Now goat's cheese I heartily approve of Melinda June but double pleh on the cold cuts.

They're all yours Mrs. D. Regular mail's okay right?

Betty's definitely a front runner Chris.

Do you know how long it took me to figure out what you meant Doc? I should have known, my Doc was in Doctor and not you as in Flannery's (and the world's Doc). Why am I explaining this? I think I may have audio blogged pantsless before but this could take things to new heights.

You see right through me don't you Flannery? As long as I'm not an enigma wrapped in cold cuts I'll be okay. Thank you for your support on the cold cut issue.

Wilma can wear all that orange you shun Lori. Now if only Prop 8 wasn't keeping you apart. CP has a wonderful blog, read every word!

Another vote for Wilma, come on Betty people! Poobomber, just wait until she replaces her eyepatch with sliced salami.

Spam, Kam, Klik: all directly from the devil Katrocket. I live to destroy my relationships though so I'm going to keep on keepin' on!

I was just reading about David Byrne's concert in Montreal, Cormac, so this must be the place. Miniature cars are cute, Marie dolls are creepy and unconstitutional.

Good for you Barbara. The effing Mormons are effing everything up. Effers.

I will try and do better Gifted Typist, or worse, whichever one gets you back.

Since we don't have Jimmy John here, I looked it up Bubs, tasty! They put the bread over the fear right?

Hotdogs are also from Satan Allison, thanks for the vote of support at this difficult time.

Dale said...

I'd be really conflicted Holly. But not conflicted at all about your brilliant idea for a Prop 8 protest. You're friggin' awesome and brilliant!

John Mutford said...

I didn't even know Marie Osmond was hawking dolls. When did she last have a legitmate career?

mellowlee said...

cold cuts are rather suspect. How about Betty vs Veronica?

Anonymous said...

Ya big scaredy cat you!

Esther said...

Thanks, Dale! I've learned so many fascinating new things about you. I feel like I know you much better now.

I'm not a big cold cut fan myself. Although in my youth I used to eat sandwiches with olive loaf, which is a meat that I don't think exists naturally in the animal kingdom.

BeckEye said...

There is a Twilight Zone magazine???? WHERE IN THE HOLY FUCK HAVE I BEEN??

Westcoast Walker said...

Brilliant post!

Wilma vs Betty - they are both conniving & evil and subject their hapless rock brained husbands to constant manipulation and controlling behaviour, and if Wilma wasn't so damn sexy I would tolerate it even less.

Cold cuts are kinda creepy, especially the ones that have the "and/or" or "may contain" aspects to their ingredients. I kind handle ambiguity when it comes to a list of ingredients.

Those dolls are totally frightening. I think that George A Romero should forget using zombies in his next film and just have those creepy and soulless little dolls walking around chewing on people's ankles.

Anonymous said...

I'm not afraid to say it, I'm a Bam Bam kinda girl.

Unknown said...

Those Osmond wedding dolls look to be a lesbian couple..IMO. I wonder if Marie is trying to tell us something?

And to think the Mormons paid all that money to uphold the ban on gay marriage in CA.

Chancelucky said...

Betty all the way, though I think George of the Jungle's wives are even more attractive. I'm also Betty over Veronica though that's a different Betty.

Tenacious S said...

Anybody who is "a little bit country" is worth being afraid of. Well, them and their creepy dolls.

Dr Zibbs said...

What kind of Doctor am I Dale? You name it. Except I stay away from anything to do with the butt.

gennifer6 said...

Wow, you are a bit strange, but I get it.

So how would you feel about cold cuts if you bought them from a butcher shop or a food market where the products are all fresh and local. I'm not big on cold cuts, but I buy Black Forest ham and hard salami from a local food market vendor based about 2 hours' drive from where I buy it and all the meat is "apple-smoked". Trust me, it's worth setting aside your fears of cold cuts.

Please tell me you don't eat hot dogs, though. If you eat hot dogs, you have no excuse for the cold cuts.

Sean Wraight said...


It takes a big man to admit he is both a 'carnophobe' and an 'Osmondophobe'. Kudos to you though for taking these brave first steps.

One step at a time my friend, one step at a time.


Creepy said...

Cold cuts???

Coaster Punchman said...

I saw my name in your tags before I realized one of the links was about me. And I was alarmed.

deadspot said...

I'm a big fan of weird side effects. "Gambling and sexual promiscuity" is one of my current favorites.

Leonesse said...

I share some of these, dear brother. And add a cringing fear of those damn exploding cinnamon rolls in a can thingy's. I just cannot pop those things. I make the boys do it.

Dale said...

I don't know if she ever had a legit career but she's at the very least stolen one from someone who deserved to have one John.

Betty for the first wife and Veronica for the money after Mellowlee!

I'm a total mock chicken Suze.

Ah, the olive loaf. You've brought back memories there Esther. I liked it too and have eaten worse. Thankfully, I grew up!

It'd be too easy to say you've been in the Twilight Zone Beckeye but yep, I used to read it all the time and had a subscription at one time. I'm not sure that its still around though.

If George or anyone made a film just using those dolls Westcoast Walker, I'd go and bring a cold cut sandwich! I'm glad you finally called Betty out on her evil!

I can hear you from here Franki. Hot!

Definite lesbo vibe there Melly. It's horrible what they've been up to, the Mormons.

I Betty'd you'd say something like that Chancelucky!

It really ought to be all or nothing, I agree, Tenacious S.

I like that you still wear the gloves just in case though Dr. Zibbs.

Hot dogs are on the no fly zone as well Genn6. Every 3 or 4 years, I have one to remind myself that I'm right. I hate the packaged cold cuts more than anything but I tend to not like anything super thinly sliced so call me a weirdohole.

Thank you for the support Sean. It ain't easy, especially with what I'm about to admit in the next post.

Haha, yes, cold cuts, now who's creepy Creepy?

Always be alarmed Coaster Punchman even if I generally use my powers for good and not evil (like cold cuts).

I've nothing against weird side effects myself Deadspot, this blog is one of them.

Cooking from scratch is for people who can't pop the cans Leonesse, unless you've got the boys around.

the princess said...

that was a very interesting post. love it! weirdness should be embraced. perhaps you like both wilma and betty? cold cuts...hehe that's just funny. do you arrive early for parties or bring your own trays?

Distributorcap said...

i am mailing you a pastrami sandwich

Dale said...

I show up early and leave as soon as the slimy trays are put out Princess.

Can't hardly wait, regular mail I hope, expediting it would cost too much DCap!

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