Dale's Rules For The Homeless

1. Do not sit there pretending those highlights weren't professionally done.
2. If you have better shoes than me, use them to walk away.
3. Don't use all your daytime cellphone minutes up in front of me. And by the way, who does your calling plan? Mine sucks.
4. Please don't make cute signs such as Needs Money For Pot. We all need money for pot.
5. Don't be smoking cigarettes, those things cost a fortune. You could be spending that money on pot.
6. Have an act. If I'm not going to give you money, I would still like to be entertained.


chelene said...

You certainly are a picky curmudgeon. I'm guessing this was one of those hipster homeless who has an ironic sign while wearing an ironic shirt from Urban Outfitters that cost $25 dollars.

Dale said...

Actually, number one was a bit of a hipster doofus. The others are various specimens I've come across. Believe it or not, I have a heart. But it only beats occasionally, sort of like Mr. Burns on the Simpsons, only not as nice?

Curator said...

Dale, you’re a very sick person—brilliant, but touched.

Lynn said...

We might of met the same homeless people

My experience has all been nagative

He tricked me

Gave me wrong directions

Maybe he had a home but just got lost

Anyway, my experience and knowledge of homeless and poor people (I'm not without sympathy to the deserving) is that they just want to be taken care of and not work.

Mob said...

Reminds me of a Bill Hicks routine, specially the last bit, as he said he wanted to get the most out of his "bum dollar".

Great stuff, man.

Reese said...

Yeah, I don't give money to anyone who smells like the new Gucci for men fragrance.

Dale said...

Robert - Thank you?

Lynn - But I want to be taken care of and not work too. Is that so wrong?

Mob - I'm here all week!

Reese - I hear you. Don't outdress, outlook and outsmell me. Cause I'm already paying someone for that.

Jenna said...

I don't think those are too much to ask. I think if you're making up clever signs, at least make them include ninjas.

Dale said...

Ninjas was good Gizmo but now I NEVER want to see it again. :-) It's like TV ads that catch me off guard. Oh that was funny or touching or whatever. And then I see it every 10 minutes for a month. Although I never watch TV so scratch that.

justacoolcat said...

We have plenty of well dressed "homeless" around here. I always tell The Wifey, real homeless people have dirty shoes and clothes.

Anonymous said...

Did you follow me down here to New York?

While Robert was at his business meetings or whatever he said he had to do down here, and I had to follow because I'm a travel whore, I decided to set up a begging station on the street.

I set myself up beside the naked cobweb, I mean cowboy, and made a sign that read, "Need money for Starbucks and books."

The 'ladies' wearing their snug and tapered mom jeans and desert boots were the most generous, but only because I'm hot.

Dale said...

You're my very own hot travel whore. Tapered mom jeans and desert boots - you made me wince!

AL RULES said...

you would have loved my act as a homeless man. my schtick was having a 3 legged dog. he was so cute. i made this sign that hung around his neck that never failed to bring in the cash. it said, "please give money to my master ... or he might eat another part of me..."

i bought a condo by the harbour and a toyota prius in less than 6 months... :)



Dale said...

I want my dollar back NOW.

AL RULES said...

sorry buddy...i just spent it on a wooden leg for my canine meal ticket.... sucka!!!!!!!!!

Dale said...

I'm a sucka fo sho Al. But you're a rat bastard. Good thing you're funny.