Drink Cart Jerry

While on a flight last week, I noticed Jerry Hall pushing a drink cart. She sneered at me, flicked her split ends in my general direction and headed for business class. Maybe it wasn't Jerry but she definitely looked a bit like last decade's model.

Jerry got me to thinking.

You know those boring video safety demos they always beg you to watch? Well, I'm not watching them. I'm too busy watching the other freaks on board.

But, maybe I would watch them if they used celebrities instead of soothing voices and freshly scrubbed humanotrons.


...Ted Kennedy showing you how to buckle and unbuckle your seat belt.

...Lauren Bacall looking relieved after the oxygen mask drops down in front of her and she takes in a nice deep breath.

...an artist's rendering of D.B. Cooper showing you where all the exits are.

You get the picture.

While thinking about this, I thought of the seat pocket flight cards in the film Fight Club and how much I loved that.

A quick search revealed this hilariousness -- Airtoons


justacoolcat said...

Anna Nicole and Patrick Swayze bringing me a pillow and blanket? It's like you're in my head.

Mob said...

I dunno about using Cooper with the exits, if I jump outta this plane, I'd like to think they might eventually find me, somehow, somewhere, y'know?

Bre said...

That annoying Verizon commercial guy could explain that while the person on the other end can still hear you now, you can't use your phone on board.

Reese said...

I remember back in the day, you had to be both pretty and nice to be a Canadian stewardess. That's a good combination, because it relaxes people. (ya, that's right, they all seemed to look like Jerry Hall)

Now they're all a bunch of fucking bitches. They're snarky as all hell, totally rude, always pissed off. West Jet stewardes are the worst. They're as rude as Smitty's waitresses.

I HATE the Canadian airline industry, like, A LOT.

Creepy said...

Britney Spears demonsrating how to securely buckle your child's seat belt.

Dale said...

JCC - It's more like that's me holding the pillow over your head.

Mob - Good point, but I'd like to think DB would show you to retirement safety with bags of cash.

Bre - And all those other electronic devices?

Reese - Good points. Unless you're in first class and then they almost smile as they throw the hot towel at you. I flew American which was the same as flying Air Canada but with more patriotic sneering.

Creepy - Britney might also be able to demonstrate how not to set off the smoke detector in the bathroom while smoking and changing the baby.

AL said...

i was offered a part in a safety video once. i was to play the part of creepy stalker guy #2. it was a video describing what to do in case you are attacked by a group of midgets carrying volleyballs and celery. i would have had the part too if that goddamn tom cruise wouldn't have shown up...you see they wanted real midgets and i was 4 inches too tall. i really could have used that $47. it would have been my best paying job ever

Dale said...

Al, hilarious! I'm making a $47 donation to Scientology in your name.

Saviour Onassis said...

Didn't Britney make an in-flight safety video already? It was called Toxic, I believe. She initiates a fat guy into the "mile high club" and he turns into a model. Classy stuff.

Your description of Jerry Hall is spot-on, Dale. And it also serves as an indication of who Gwyneth Paltrow will be in ten years. Bravo!

Dale said...

Now you've made that song start in my head Saviour. Britney's classy all the way just like Apple core Paltrow.