They Killed Kenny!

It's official - Kenny Rogers is now a Gabor! And such a bang up job he did coaching the kids this week on American Idol. Nice of him to help most of them suck just as bad as ever.

Since I don't like to unnecesarily pick on anyone or be judgemental, I'll try and limit myself to constructive criticism.

If anyone really liked Ace, they'd push on his diaphragm until his balls dropped and then we might get a song out of him. The only thing he seems to do well is get Paula stuck to her chair.

Ryan did mention though that Ace is single! He's only single because Ryan broke up with him and is dating Teri Snatcher. Love that man stubble she helped you grow.

Catherine looked great, Chris did a good job and Elliot caused Paula to feel he showed careless reckless abandon. In a ballad. Paula Paula Paula. When you do fall ass over tea kettle off that chair and hit your head, I hope I'm watching.

Everyone else was sucky. Although the Pickle had red velvety boobs. And Mandisa had a Navajo caftan. And Bucky wears a felt cowboy hat. And Taylor dyes his brows. And Paris is gonna get the shit beaten out of her by both LeAnn Rimes and Trisha Yearwood. And maybe America.


A. Estella Sassypants said...

I'm just waiting for Paula to be rolled in wheel-chair style, drooling all over her Dior any day now.

And I just looked up to see a "Discount Casket" commercial. Maybe I can afford to die.

Dale said...

The drool will have to run through her cascading hair which apparently now grows right out of her left eyelashes.

I need to move where I can see commercials like that! I'm sure it'll lift my spirits.

I think I would prefer to be buried Nate / Narm style in one of those bags and get dropped a few times on the way to the hole. But I can't afford either way right now.

chelene said...

This post almost, ALMOST, makes me want to watch American Idol...but I just can't do it. I'll live vicariously through your recaps!

Dale said...

Chelene, I almost don't feel dirty watching it. It was fun at the start but once Paula lost that eye to her hair....

Fence said...

Hi Dale, came here from your Estella's Revenge praise, and I'm enjoying your blog.

So much so that I had to quote you.

I can't believe anyone finds Ace attractive. I mean, that hair!

Dale said...

Thanks Fence. He's hideous and must be removed from Paula Abdul's fawning sight at once. Or at least next week!

n.v. said...

Does Paula know she looks like a horny old cougar whenever the camera pans to her face? When her eyes are on Ace, I feel all icky inside. And just knowing she fucked Jermaine Jackson and broke up his marriage makes me hate her. Jermaine could've been GREAT. He could've been a contender.

Dale said...

Paula does not know this. Even if we all told her every damned day, she still would not get it. I'm one of your biggest fans and America loves you Ace and when you hit that false, oh man, blather blather...slut.