Happy is the soul who has found work that they embrace and enjoy. Me? I fake it. Why can't everyone else be as good as me? Low standards I guess.

When I go for a stroll at lunch and find myself in a store, generally all I'm looking for is a nice atmosphere that's conducive to shoplifting.

Instead of shiny happy salespeople who seem helpful and harmless, I seem to get forced into interaction with glommy types who pepper spray me with their fake love in order to fleece me, release me and move on to their next target.

Rather than soldier on with a simple no thanks, I’m just looking because that's getting pretty tired, I’d like some help on stocking up on responses to their Frequently Asked Questions. Can you help arm me against these heartless bastards?

My first few:

Q > Is there something special you’re looking for today?

A> A complicated silence

Q> I think that might be a really good colour for you.

A> I’ll do anything as long as it’s not above or below the waist.

Your turn --


Anonymous said...

Q> Do you think you'd like to try on this sweater?

A> How would you like to try on my fist in your face?

Too violent?

Q> Can I help you with that?
A> You know, I do work here, remember?

Mob said...

Q> How are you today?

A> Gassy, thank you for asking.

If they don't leave you alone, they'll give you a wide berth at the very least.

jin said...

Q > Is there something special you’re looking for today?

A> I want a pasta machine NOT a new friend!

Q> I think that might be a really good colour for you.

A> Why?!!? Do I look BLACK to you BITCH?!!?

Beth said...

[um ... every one I come up with is too naughty for comment boxes]

ziggystardust73 said...

Q > (insert any question here)

Dale's standard A> Are you saying I'm stupid? Are you saying my mother's a prostitute? Are you stupid? Are you calling my dad an alcoholic? You're well disrespected.

or simply:


Dale said...

Wow it's Tanya, now with more punched face pretty! Enjoy California you slacker.

Gassy, wide berth. You've seen deep into the dark heart of me Mob.

Oh Jin, a side of you I hadn't expected. Let the cakes and pies fly.

And Beth - too naughty? Please feel free to let loose. You should see how I edit myself.

Ziggy - I'm definitely using this one already, you should see them back up - fast!

Anonymous said...

Bovvered! Honk!
Ziggy, Dale showed us the true way when he made us know about Catherine Tate.

Do I look bovvered? Am I bovvered?

Ultra Toast Mosha God said...

Q: Can you spare five minutes for Cancer Research UK?

A: I don't think we'll get much done.

Courtesy of Jimmy Carr

chelene said...

Q: Would you like to try that on?

A: Stop undressing me with your eyes.

Saviour Onassis said...

I went shopping yesterday and didn't have a single soul approach me about my favorite colour, trying things on or helping me find what I was looking for. It was quite lonely at the mall. What I really wanted was someone to talk to because the severed head I was carrying doesn't make good company. Found a great table at the Food Court, though.

Old Lady said...

I just say no!

I drive store people crazy because I inspect and touch everything. I usually have a trail of store detectives following me.

justacoolcat said...

I never have a witty retort. I prefer the unapproachable shopper routine. I look crazy, mumble, and dismiss their attempts to help with a pretentious wave of the hand.

Nothing will give you your complicated silence quicker than instilling a feeling that this crazy person is somehow superior.

Shroom-Monkey said...

I worked in a porn store for a spell... People are pervs.. Yeah I know, Me too of course that is why I worked there...

Me- Would you like me to start a dressing room for you?

Customer- ohhhh, you model? Excellent.. I was thinking you would look really good in the latex bondage and butt plug set..

Me- (customer buying a vibrator) Would you like me to install batteries in this and make sure that it works? (you have to turn all battery operated devices- just to make sure they work- big no no return policy)

Customer- You do that? Nice, is there a private viewing room for that?

I hate retail.....

Dale said...

That's funny Toast God. Reminds me of my mouthing off to Momma:

Mom - There are children starving in Africa

Me - Name one.

I'm going to use that Chelene. Will it work at the Dollar Stores and Liquor stores where I spend all my time?
After carrying it around a bit and it starts to shrivel, you could try and make friends with people by offering them a little head Saviour. I think I'll try that out during my next foray onto public transit.

Oh I see how you do it Old Lady, they all follow you while Old Man picks the store clean. I hear you.

It's not everyone that's willing to admit they look crazy Coolcat so I applaud your superior insanity. Sorry, I have no witty retort.

Dale said...

Wow, can I go shopping with you Shroomy? That's some life experience right there. Whenever I go to Winners I seem to end up buying underwear along with other things - designer stuff but at normal prices - and the cashier always says 'these are final sale' and I always say 'I hope so' and they just look at me like I'm retarded. Okay, I look retarded but that's beside the point.

Angela said...

This isn't a question, but I totally had to add. I used to work for a big clothing store in the Eaton Centre. One day it was really busy, and I asked a girl, "Do you want to try that on?" She jumped in surprise, and said "You caught me!" and she opened up her jacket and about 15 shirts fell out. Some shoplifters just can't keep their cool.

Dale said...

That is so funny! So did you take her in for questioning or let her run for it? Oh man. You should blog about that, just outrageous.

X. Dell said...

Q: May I help you?
A: Yes. Loan me five dollars.

Q: Will you being paying for this with cash, credit card, or debit card?
A: Actually, I'd prefer to shoplift it.

Dale said...

Or you could just sniff a few times at the person and say No, thanks.

I'd like to pay by debit, please turn around and bend over so I can swipe my card.

Angela said...

Thanks, mebbe I will blog about it! I've got lots of horrible retail experiences!

Unfortunately, she did it in front of my manager, so I had to go to the police station and give a report. The girl went psycho and said, "You could have let me go, but I'm gonna find you again and beat the shit out of you." I said, "Well, you know where to find me!"

Dale said...

You should, it's good fodder. Good answer on you know where to find me...very funny.

Coaster Punchman said...

I can't really play this game, because I secretly love it when salespeople pay me all sorts of attention. I've been known to buy things that I wasn't even looking for just because some sales clerk smiled in my general direction. I must be lonely.

Dale said...

If I'm in the same store, you can thank me for driving them into your arms CP. I only like the salespeople when they're clearly hitting on me.